Today was a free day. I could choose to work, or I could choose to play, but I chose to stay home and have a "me" day. Well, it was more of a necessity that didn't pan out, but here I am. So I set a couple of goals:
1. read something
2. write something (here we are)
3. clean something (boo)
4. garden
Later on I'll have an early BBQ with The Brown Eyed Man, and then head up to help with the end of day on my best friend's rummage sale.
This subject, "The Back Burner", was a planned blog, and probably the next one I was getting to. Today while I achieved goal number 3, and was cleaning out a drawer (one of many) I found a letter that I wrote to myself. "For Joanie to be opened on her 45th birthday." Uh.....whoops. I wondered how long that was sitting in there?? Turns out I wrote it just after my 40th birthday. I'm four and a half years late, so I figured I better open it!
The first part kind of rambles along, which we all know I tend to do on occasion..... then the next part talks about some hopes and dreams. Nothing big, but number one on the list was getting out of the YMCA, which I did. It's funny, I think of that often, mostly how unhappy I was, and it really wasn't a fabulous organization to work for, but there are worse things. Hindsight is everything, and I actually realize now that I had it pretty good, for the most part.
I hoped, in the letter, that I accomplished a few things that I am proud of. (check) I hoped that I was healthy (check), and in a healthy relationship (check....me into the nuthouse, but yes) I hoped that I still maintained a good relationship with family and friends, and to fix it immediately if I didn't. (check) Then it goes on to say this:
"The most important thing is that whatever I am doing, wherever this world has led me, I am HAPPY. So that is the only question I pose to you today. Are you happy?"
I really think that things cross our path when they are meant to. If I found this a year ago I would be pretty upset. In the blog before this one I talked about everything being put on the back burner, and it has been. Anything that's important to me anyway. I was too tired, too irritated, too, too, too, to get to the things I enjoyed. I chalk a lot of that up to mentalpause, some of it possibly to anxiety. but most of it to being mentally exhausted.
I need my own time, I need to write, I need to read, I need to be out in the world just being one with nature. I need quiet time. If I don't get these things everything else in my life suffers. I also need to be productive, and whatever I'm doing needs to matter. I happen to be very good with kids. Especially children who need a little extra, but that takes a toll, it really does. You bond tight to these kids and it drains you. If you can't recharge, it doesn't help anyone.
When I went back into childcare just about four years ago I told the owner and the director that I would love to work for them, I wanted to be a help, but I did not want to teach. Yes, I love teaching. Yes, I'm pretty darn good at it, but I can't do my best work, and that's helping these little ones with "extra" if I have the other responsibility. I can also be a solid assistant for an overloaded teacher, and help guide new staff along the way. That was my intention. That is not how it went. I assisted for about six months, then more and more I was just put in preschool as the lead, until it just became mine. No one ever asked.
So last year at this time I took matters into my own hands and offered to PCA for my then twelve year old niece CC, who has down syndrome. My sister and her husband were looking for help, and I decided that if someone wanted to pay me to play with Cierra, well........OK. So I cut my summer hours at the center and left early on Tuesdays and Fridays to hang with CC. I also was out for doctor appointments. Then in the fall I switched to teaching Preschool Monday-Friday from 8:30-2:30, and then went to hang with CC til five on most days. I was also off for most of her appointments. I was much happier, but now I was working two jobs most days, and exhausted. Not from being a PCA. Taking care of CC is nothing compared to teaching preschool. Nothing.
This spring the opportunity for more summer hours with CC popped up, and instead of hiring another PCA to do hours too, I took all of them. I requested a leave of absence for the summer, and then have offered to come back in the fall as an assistant, working 10-2 Monday through Friday, but off on days when CC doesn't have school. I'll try and do hours with CC at more meaningful times, not just hanging out every day after school, unless they need me for something, so I don't burn out. I don't care if we do overnights or Saturdays. I am grateful that the center accepted my offer, and I am actually going to be going in to do breaks or whatever they need from 10-2 occasionally during July and August. (The Jetta doesn't pay for itself.....)
So I "retired" from preschool on June 7th, and did a few break days the following week. These last few weeks have just been with CC, and it has been awesome. My soul just needed a break. I'm writing again, I'm reading again, I come home with tons of energy for gardening and household things that need to be done. I'm not crabby. I probably haven't threatened to kill the Brown Eyed Man in a week or so. I feel like next week when I return to the center to hang out with the kiddos a couple days I will be a better caregiver to the ones who really need me. I will actually HAVE something to give.
So yes, to my 40 year old self, I am happy, but more importantly, I am content. I am at peace for the first time in a LONG time. I'm no longer putting myself, and the things I need on the back burner.
