On Being Me

Every year on my birthday eve I post something on Facebook, and/or write a blog post that briefly encapsulates the year gone by. Since Cece died in October '22, there have been no blog posts, because how could I continue writing about my life, without speaking about this devastating loss, and the struggle to get my head up above the ocean of grief that engulfed me. I'm not sure that I will ever put more than the above into words on a page, but let's just say that it knocked me off my path and into the woods for awhile. 

In mid April of this year, as the earth was waking up from her winter slumber, so was I. It was like I had just been floating on auto pilot for a year and a half, until the day I could not physically get on the floor to play with my Great nephew, Henry.(wlWho just turned two, and now has an 8 month old sister, Ruth!) Then, I woke up. 

I took a hard look in the mirror, and thought, "Who is this fat old lady?" Sorry, but that's what I thought. Then I realized enough was enough. I'm not going to watch life on the sidelines because I have too many aches and pains to play and enjoy it. Yes, that comes with the territory of gaining years, but for the most part that isn't the case here, yet. 

My deep issue is rewarding myself with food. Maybe consoling myself with food is a better way to explain that. You had to do something you didn't like today? That's ok honey, you can have a Big Mac for dinner. So for a year and a half, while floating around in this ocean of grief, I consoled myself with every comfort food available, and as much as I wanted. 

Two pants sizes later, and I was not able get down and play play with Henry. (It's the getting up that's the problem.)I couldn't do a lot of other things either, but I didn't care. Not being able to be an active participant in the kids lives, that kicked my butt into gear. 

I have always been, and I'm sure I will continue to be, a curvy gal, and I'm cool with that. I just needed to make a giant shift, and some lifestyle changes to be a healthier gal, with curves.  

So, how am I doing? Great! Twenty five pounds are gone, and so are those two pants sizes. I can get on the floor and play with the kids, and we even went to the zoo a few weeks back, which I walked without difficulty.  How am I doing it? Counting calories on a free ap, which keeps my portion sizes where they belong, and keeps me accountable to myself. I make better choices, and still have anything i want, in moderation. I have a new scale, and I make myself get on it, because it matters. Now that I can move, I do. Formal exercise gives me gives me hives, (figuratively) so I don't see that happening any time soon. I just want to enjoy the rest of my years in a healthy way. Body and mind. 

So, as I rock in my chair, on my porch, on the last day of 54, I am very proud of myself. My mantra always has been, "Be who you are!" There will be a lot more of that around here, from now on. Inside, and out. ❤️