In mid April of this year, as the earth was waking up from her winter slumber, so was I. It was like I had just been floating on auto pilot for a year and a half, until the day I could not physically get on the floor to play with my Great nephew, Henry.(wlWho just turned two, and now has an 8 month old sister, Ruth!) Then, I woke up.
I took a hard look in the mirror, and thought, "Who is this fat old lady?" Sorry, but that's what I thought. Then I realized enough was enough. I'm not going to watch life on the sidelines because I have too many aches and pains to play and enjoy it. Yes, that comes with the territory of gaining years, but for the most part that isn't the case here, yet.
My deep issue is rewarding myself with food. Maybe consoling myself with food is a better way to explain that. You had to do something you didn't like today? That's ok honey, you can have a Big Mac for dinner. So for a year and a half, while floating around in this ocean of grief, I consoled myself with every comfort food available, and as much as I wanted.
Two pants sizes later, and I was not able get down and play play with Henry. (It's the getting up that's the problem.)I couldn't do a lot of other things either, but I didn't care. Not being able to be an active participant in the kids lives, that kicked my butt into gear.
I have always been, and I'm sure I will continue to be, a curvy gal, and I'm cool with that. I just needed to make a giant shift, and some lifestyle changes to be a healthier gal, with curves.
So, how am I doing? Great! Twenty five pounds are gone, and so are those two pants sizes. I can get on the floor and play with the kids, and we even went to the zoo a few weeks back, which I walked without difficulty. How am I doing it? Counting calories on a free ap, which keeps my portion sizes where they belong, and keeps me accountable to myself. I make better choices, and still have anything i want, in moderation. I have a new scale, and I make myself get on it, because it matters. Now that I can move, I do. Formal exercise gives me gives me hives, (figuratively) so I don't see that happening any time soon. I just want to enjoy the rest of my years in a healthy way. Body and mind.
So, as I rock in my chair, on my porch, on the last day of 54, I am very proud of myself. My mantra always has been, "Be who you are!" There will be a lot more of that around here, from now on. Inside, and out. ❤️
So proud of you, Joanie. Your battle with food is a familiar one to many, and I too hit a wall recently that didnt wake me up, so much as it forced me to reconcile the bad nutritional choices, pointless eating, and of course, portion control. I had plenty of reasons that should've served as those motivators that ultimately brings us to our knees and forcibly "do better", improve our all around well being etc....only, I was not acting on them. Stubborn obstinacy has been my crutch for years. Surrender and acceptance have finally replaced them. By the way - in all my years of backpacking, scary as they were - the times I veered off the path into the woods and was a bit lost in wilderness, were also beneficial experiences. They helped me to realize I had the courage and ability to do what was necessary to get myself back on the path. Self preservation at it's core. Any-hoo- so glad to hear about your success es and your revelations, as this is the age we need to pay more attention to what our bodies are telling us. As far as the grief goes - that may never subside, but it's a healthy emotion if channeled properly. It's a reflection of the value you placed on a relationship and a sure indication tgat you have the ability to truly love and care for others. Not a curse or a blessing, just a part of you that you cannot change. The distractions and things that you do to deal with the pain that comes from all that is what you can excercise sone control over. Glad that you've found your ways!! Take care of yourself old friend!
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