Ramblings

My blogs usually start on actual paper, there's just something about physically writing down my thoughts that appeals to me. For some odd reason it is also easier for me to edit when it's written that way. Maybe I just like to scribble things out? I also normally have a solid blog topic, but not today. I want to write, I need to write, but I don't really want to write the next Internet date story in the line up of my past. It shows a side of me that I don't care for. I perceive it as weak, and needy, and stupid. So, I'm putting it off. :) There are HUGE life lessons in it, so at some point I will give it my best shot.

This week has been an interesting one for me to say the least. Giving up my quest for an Internet date has left me feeling much more settled, so I know it was the right decision. Marc has called several times, but I'm just not really feeling it.  Maybe in person it would be better? That's the thing with distance, it takes some effort to find that out. If we "clicked" I would definitely do it, because nothing stands in my way when I feel like something is right. Oh, well.... hmmmm.... There it is then. I write because the answers I'm looking for usually just pop out of my head while I'm scribbling it all down.

Have had a little contact with the "Brown eyed man", nothing important to note. My gut tells me that time will just settle it all, so the plan to concentrate on me and mine is still in play. Feel what I feel, but work on letting it go.

Something really important happened this week too. A reconnection with an old and very dear friend. I don't really have words yet to blog about this amazing thing, and I know he's watching. ;) Let's just leave it at wonderful!

S is for Stewardess

First off, let me state that any guilt I feel over sharing a little bit of my x's story combined with the part that belongs to me is eliminated by the fact that he has yet to return my bike. I warned him.......

I will also apologize because this blog jumps around in time so much! I have to throw this story in here right now, it is the catalyst for my Internet dating adventure. Until this happened I would have been content to become the crazy cat lady (although I'm really a dog person) and spend the rest of my life with my cats, historical romance novels, and a large garden.

Our second divorce, (stop looking at me like that, yes second) was final in Jan of 2007. If memory serves me correctly the x and I had no contact until mid February. He called me on a Friday night to ask if he could come over on Sat and have me sign the tax papers. His annual ski trip was on Sunday and he wanted to get them out in the mail.

So he arrives on Sat with said papers, and is not in the door two seconds when he starts sobbing and falls into my arms. "I just miss you." I didn't really know what to do, so I just stood there hugging him until he got it under control. I know I signed the papers, can't recall what else was said. He was probably in the apartment for ten minutes tops.

Sunday dawns bright and cold, and I am in high spirits. I can't deny that it did my heart good to see him miserable. After all the whole thing was his doing, and I had spent more than enough nights crying myself to sleep. Sometime in the afternoon I was puttering around eBay and found a soap dispenser that matches my kitchen dishes! I am mildly obsessed with dishes. Two minutes left to go, so I place my bid and WIN! With shipping the whole thing came to seven dollars. Woot! So I click to pay pal, pay for my dispenser and .....wait a minute? Oh, crap! That just came out of our (no longer) joint checking account. Well, hell. Thank God it's only seven dollars.

The next part of the story goes the way things always seem to go with me. I tend to fall into things assbackwards. I dance over to the phone to leave a message on his home phone. (no cell yet) I assume he'll check messages from the ski trip. As I dial I'm mentally preparing my "whoops I've stolen seven dollars from your checking account, and I'll pay you when you get back" message.

Phone rings, machine picks up, X's voice, "Hi, you've reached Steve and Tina, leave a message." As the red haze engulfs me, I hang up the phone. When I get that angry, I sit down and don't allow myself to move until it passes. If I get up there is going to be a "crime of passion", no doubt. I don't know how long I sat there. Unlike the last time I had the urge to do him in, it wasn't three hours later. :) Instead I decided to use the rage to my advantage and picked up the phone. I believe this is the message I left.....

"YOU COME TO MY HOUSE, SOB IN MY ARMS BECAUSE YOU MISS ME, AND YOU CAN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME YOU'RE LIVING WITH SOMEONE? THAT TAKES A LOT OF BALLS!!! I'm calling because blah blah seven dollars blah blah" *SLAM*

Then I got into my car and went to my sister's house where I ranted and raved for at least an hour. Part of it went like this:

Me: I am going over to that house and I'm going to burn it to the ground!

Kate: Joanie, you can't do that, it's still light out, and you'll get caught!

Me: Caught? Hell, I'm bringing hot dogs for the neighbors. We'll have a weenie roast!

Kate: SIT DOWN, you aren't going anywhere.

Details are a little hazy after that. I checked my messages awhile later and there was an apology from my x. He was on his way home from the ski trip because the stewardess (who was at home) was the one who heard the message and she was leaving him. Apparently she is unstable and he was afraid of what she would do to the house. HUH? See Kate, I would have gotten clean away with it!!

I know he and I spent some time together after that, but it was brief as the stewardess returned for another round of crazy. I began my online dating adventure, and started to move on with my life. There was one other episode involving her perhaps sometime that April. She was leaving him, and this area, for good. For some reason I was stopping over at his house after a staff meeting at work. When I arrived there was an iron sitting on the front deck. Odd.... So I knock at the back door and he peers around it with a frightened look on his face. "Oh, it's you" he says. "Quick, come in." So he explained that she was coming to pick up her iron, and again that she is unstable, so if "you are too scared to stay I understand." Enter the red haze..... and I replied. "She doesn't have the market cornered on crazy. She takes my life, and THIS is what she does with it??? You had better hope SHE doesn't run into ME!" With that, it was done. I shut the door on that part of my life, for what I thought was forever........ but that is another story. :)

Side note: I could never bring myself to use the dispenser, and it was sold for twenty five cents in a rummage sale last fall. :) Also, yes... I know that flight attendant is the appropriate name for the job, but she will always be "The Stewardess" to me.

Cuppa Joe

Last week I spent some time talking with my conscience. He isn't a small green cricket named Jiminy, rather he's a tall southern gentleman with a deep sexy drawl, who has pretty good insight into what makes me tick. His name, is Joe. Yes, he reads the blog so he will see this. *waving* Hello! You had to know it would happen sooner or later. :)

We are two peas in a pod, this southern gent and northern flower. I met him on the internet in a chat room in the fall of 1990, and we've been close friends for almost ten years. He is the only person I have contact with from the good old chat room days. Months can and have gone by without us talking, but through the good, the bad, and the absolutely horrific, the connection between us has never faded.

Basically he once again called me on my crap. By trade I should mention that Joe is a motivational speaker, amongst other things. He's a fabulous cheerleader to have on your side, but he cuts right to the heart of any matter without pussyfooting around, and I am the type of person who can appreciate and respect that. His comment on my blog posts about my current situation was this. "Anyone reading your blog who doesn't know you thinks you're ready to move on, but you're not." I think maybe he thought I didn't know that I'm not, but I readily admitted it. I'm not.

Some people are relationship jumpers, or as my cousin Ray put it, "They just change heads and move on so they don't have to feel anything." I loved that one! Wish I had come up with it myself. I've never been good at changing heads. I've done it before, but it never works out. They are the rebound guy and it's doomed from the start. I may even convince myself I'm in love with them at the time, but it's never true. They are just filling up my time so I wont be bored, and when that four month time comes along I have no problem walking away from it. Leaving whatever destruction I've caused in the wake, never looking back. Karma will find me though, and when it happens I know that I've gotten what I deserved.

Sticking my feet into the water of the dating pool has been an interesting, alarming, adventure. I couldn't even bring myself to meet anyone face to face though. Trying to force things is making me near certifiable. The heart wants what the heart wants, no matter what the brain tries to tell it. That happens to be a certain fellow with brown eyes. I did explain this all to Marc, who is the sweetest guy alive or a really good faker. He asks that we keep in contact for now, and I have agreed to that.

So I am returning the focus of my life to friends, family, and possibly a novel that I began several years ago. I re-read what I had down so far and was pleasantly surprised and impressed with myself. There's a children's story somewhere in my head, and part of one on this computer somewhere. I will embrace the fact that I am hopelessly in love with "The Brown Eyed Man", instead of trying to avoid it. Try to fill up my free time with something positive, and I have a few idea's on that subject that I need to explore. Basically it's time to get my head on straight.

To my cuppa Joe, you are my cheerleader and my champion and I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!