Fabulous!

That's me when I was one year old. (My Mom always hated this pic, but I love it! Look how happy I am! ) Now, I'm forty and fabulous!! Most days I even really feel that way. If I had to pick an age and stay that old forever, I'm pretty sure forty would be it.

The road I have traveled in this life has been particularly bumpy, but the scenery is always interesting. I have been blessed with a very close family, and a few close real friends. I have known great loves, and great loss. I have experienced joy so profound I thought my heart would burst, and sorrow so deep my heart should be broken to bits. It isn't though, because I am a survivor.

The wrong turns I have taken, the pot holes I've tumbled into, and the flat tires I've had are too numerous to mention. I firmly believe that for the most part I have made the best decisions for myself at any particular time, with the information I had available to me at that time. I certainly learn from my mistakes and I seldom come even close to repeating them. It's much more fun and exciting to make new ones!

I think the most important part of this particular age for me is that I am content. I don't want more than I have, or have more than I need. My "Cuppa Joe" asked me the other day if I was happy. Well, that really wasn't the day to ask me that particular question. So with a big sigh I said. NO Then I paused and said, but you know what? I am content. Even though there is a storm of uncertainty surrounding me, I am still content. No one is happy all the time, and if they tell you they are, they're lying. I would say I'm happy 75 % of the time, and I don't think that's too darn bad.

This is the last night that I get to be forty. Tomorrow at 8:20 am I will be *gulp* 41. One tick closer to 50 and fabulous, which is what I intend to be!!

Shadow

Shadow 3/1/95 to 9/23/10

A sad day in our family today. My brother Jerry had to put his beloved dog Shadow to sleep. The time had come, without any doubt, but that didn't make the event any easier I'm sure. My sister Kate went with them, as she did the day the two of them picked him up at the pound. A smallish lab, he grew to be about half the size of a "normal" lab. With twice the energy.

Shadow came to our family the spring before Jerry and Jenny got married. He was to be their dog, but he started out as Kate's baby first. She would dress him up in *rolling my eyes* clothes, things like a jean jacket, and a letter jacket. I seem to recall a red sweater of sorts. He may also have had a leather bomber jacket. He just ate up all of that attention, rotten little bugger that he was. :) Wilder than the wind with a bark that would stop anyone in their tracks. All bark, no bite was Shadow. However, the neighbor lady actually called the cops because she honestly thought the dog would eat her Grandchild. Not that Shadow was anywhere near her Grandchild, he was always tied up when in the yard. Thus fort Meys was constructed.

Shaddy was a humper. That dog would go after anything and everything if it was on the floor, or if he could (in poor Ashlyn and later Pablo's case) knock it to the floor. One of my favorite Shadow stories was Jenny telling me that she thought Shadow had finally stopped humping. Then being outside one day she hears 5 year old Pablo call up from the mud puddle he was knocked into "Mama! Shadow is humping me!"

After getting married Jenny and Jerry lived next to Steve and me for a short time. Steve took great delight in opening our front door and whispering "Shadow! Shadow!" Then watching as Shadow tear like a mad dog back and forth through their house. Eventually you'd hear Jenny yelling at Steve to knock it off. Good times. :)

So I raise my glass (of milk) to Shadow. A wild, crazy, sweet, lovable, humper. So full of energy in his younger years, it was hard to watch him these last few. He actually had gray hair, and had the look of an old, old man. I know that you are in a better place at Mom's side, eating home made cookies and sandwiches by the dozen. I can see you running and jumping again, barking like an insane attack dog, humping everything in sight! You will be missed. ♥

Catch up

Just a re-cap of what's going on in my life.

Topic: HILLBILLY NEIGHBORS Several U - Hauls have been spotted in the front yard of my neighbors house, so they should be finished up with the move soon! I keep waiting for one last hootenanny in the back yard, but so far so good. I'm not sure if the house has sold, the hillbillies moved the sign to drive the trucks right up to the front door, so it's leaning up against the fence.

Topic: HAPPY HOUR I believe it has been decided unanimously to move our group to "C's" for Friday night happy hour. The food and service are both fabulous! They also aired the place out really well, so there's no stale smoke smell. If we want to wander over to the Shack for their 6pm specials afterwords that will be fine too. No one will be starving at least. :) We probably will, because Lisa is "seeing" the manager. So until that tanks and we can't go there anymore...... that man actually referred to us as the "mafia". As in, does the Mafia like me? ( I want to be a hit man, and the jury is still out on the liking part)

Topic: FAMILY They are all doing well. The girls came over for a bit on Sunday while their Dad hooked up my computer. He had taken it with him on Friday night to fix a problem I was having. Have I mentioned that "Bumpy" is the best brother in the whole world??? Anyway, the girls painted some leaves for me to decorate the walls with, and we had some very interesting conversation, provided by Tater. " I broke up with my boyfriend because he was cheating on me. I caught him kissing another girl." I never in my life thought I would have the "We are better off without boys like that" speech with a FIVE year old. Then she immediately switched to a convo about her BFF, and I could see that she was over the little cretin who cheated. Hannah apparently still has her three boyfriends, and Ashlyn (the smart one) is enjoying High School. I really need to set a date for our Wizard of Oz sleepover!

Topic: WORK I need to get serious about exploring a couple of options. Starting next week I go back on the closing schedule and will be working 10-6 every Thursday....except I'm off next Thurs (hahaha) to celebrate my bday, so I guess it really starts the week after. I don't really mind, coming in at 10 shaves two hours off of the toddler portion of my work day. We are also more than likely going to be forced into a half or an hour long lunch break so they can work us later and cover the end of the day staffing issues. Once upon a time I had a PAID 45 minute lunch break from these people.........

Topic: ME I should have just called this topic sanity, or perhaps INSANITY would be a better choice of word. I'm settling into my new work routine, although I by no means have resigned myself to it. As far as my personal life, things have been kind of rocky. A lot less settled than I would like. Possibly on an upswing, but with my brown eyed man I can never quite tell. Stay tuned. :) Next week I am turning 41. I'm not feeling as good about that as I did when I turned 40, but I still am loving this age. Wise enough to not make the stupider mistakes and young enough to still enjoy the ones I do!

Poetry 2

On Friday during nap time this little poem escaped. The comp broke, and my wonderful brother fixed it today! So here it is!

~Why love?

Why should I trust, and try to share a heart that
has been laid open, bare and broken too many times to count?

Why should I love, when love had failed and faded?
Washed away by pain and guilt, or swept along the sands of time.

Why should I let myself feel, when drowning in the depth
of those emotions threatens at every turn?

Why should I let myself hope, reaching out again and again
hoping that someone will grasp my hand?

Because, to live without walking around in an empty
shell, you need these precious things. Otherwise you are just marking
your time here on earth with nothing, until it slips away.

Random Poetry

Sitting at work today (while the kids were sleeping) I was going to write a blog about how bored I am with my new position, and how I feel like my talents are being wasted away. Instead I plunked out a poem. Poetry was my way of dealing with the teen age years, and I haven't really written any recently.

~Boredom

My life has become
a mind numbing prison
from which there seems
no escape.

A safe shelter of
tedium, strangling
the very life from
my soul.

Emptying my mind
of all useful thought,
concentrating solely
on the key to freedom.

Home

I have known for weeks that I would write this blog, I just didn't know how it was going to go. I have been alternately looking forward to and dreading today for some time now. This afternoon I went to a 90th birthday party for my X Mother-in-law. Yes, my X husband was there. Yes, his girlfriend was there also. This is not the someone(s) who came between us, but someone who came into the picture later. Does it really matter? I've never, in the 20 years we have known each other seen him with anyone other than myself. How would I handle that? Would it even matter?

It took me a long time to RSVP to the invitation, but ultimately I miss my family. I want to see the kids growing up and hear what they're doing. I missed Carrie's wedding this past summer, and I was very angry about that. One of Steve's sisters commented on it while I was visiting with her today. "You should have been there, you watched those kids grow up. You were a part of their lives." I agreed. I got to see her today though, and hug her and tell her I love her and how happy I am for her.

After emailing Judy that Kate and I would be coming to the party I sent an email to Steve. I wanted to make sure that he knew we were invited, and that we were going to come. Ruth is still a part of my life, I still refer to her as my Mother in Law, and I actually do some cleaning for her, so I still see her on a regular basis. When she became sick this past spring/summer I decided then and there that I'm done staying away from the family to "make room" for someone new. I've always been an accepted part of them, and I thought it wouldn't be fair to someone new if I was around. That's done. She (whoever the she of the moment is) can have him. I'm keeping them.

Steve emailed me back that he was glad we were coming and "Vicki is really excited to meet you." Uh.... excuse me? I have to say it. Bullshit. I have been in that position, it was uncomfortable and I certainly wasn't looking forward to it. I must say though, I had enough respect for the x wife (who didn't deserve it) and mother to Dave's children that when it became clear no one would introduce us, I actually went right up and introduced myself. Awkward? Yes. I, however, was the bigger person and it put me on good footing. That is NOT what happened today.

Steve and Vicki arrived in her van, pulling up to Judy's drive. They got out, changed seats, and he drives away, leaving her to walk alone into this family gathering where she knows the x wife she has never met is waiting. I mumbled "what an ass" to his sister, and she chuckled. I figured I had two choices. Take the high road or ignore it. I would like to say I took the high road, but honestly I couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty. So I ignored it. She joined our group and I just kept up my conversation like she wasn't even there. None of the other family members in the group must have been brave enough to do the introductions, so we still have not officially met.

Steve arrived, said his hello's, gave me and my sister a hug, and moved on to visit with others. He never made a move to introduce us. This might have had something to do with the email I sent him back after the "she's excited to meet you" business. I was honest. I told him I was going to the party because it's something I "should" do. He could introduce us and then move on. I have no desire to chat with, or get to know this person, although I would certainly be civil. Well, probably anyway, unless of course I was provoked. :)

So it's over. What have I learned from this little adventure? Nothing that I really didn't already know. I still have a place at the family table if I want to take a seat. They all accepted me with open and loving arms. Home isn't necessarily a place, but the people you surround yourself with. Yesterday I drove by my old house, it is all run down, and it made me incredibly sad to see it. I used the old saying "You can't go home again." in my blog. For a little while today I saw that maybe you can.

p.s. I have to say it. I'm way prettier. LOL Yeah, I'm a bitch. I've earned it. ;) As to the how I dealt with seeing him with someone else question? Strange thing actually...... it wasn't even like they were together. He never as much as touched her while I was in sight of them. The answer is: I felt nothing. I thought I was well and truly over him, and I am and have been for a long time. The only man for me is a brown eyed mountain man who likes to toss rotten eggs at trees. :)

Hold the meat!

What an interesting night! The girls and I decided two weeks ago that we were done with our regular Friday night haunt, "The Shack" in Superior, Wisconsin where the food is great, but the service is absolutely terrible. This has gone on all summer, but we love sitting on the deck, happy hour at the attached liquor store, and then of course there was Skippy. I don't know if I mentioned it in the blog, but some weeks back Skippo moved on to bigger and better things. He is now a used car salesman. :) So we're hittin' all the hot spots trying to find a new home. Last night ruled out a few.

I met the girls out in my old neck of the woods, at Gronks. It's close to where I lived in Itasca (we name the hoods here) from '93 to '02. I arrived, starving to death, to women who had a head start on the drinks, and confusing the waitress. How to explain this business.... Lisa does not eat meat. Kerri sometimes doesn't, although she was trying to order bacon on her meatless cheeseburger, if it didn't cost extra. It did. They had a coupon for buy one burger get one for a dollar. They wanted to substitute grilled cheese, which is a cheaper deal for the restaurant, but Gronks wouldn't do it. So they didn't order anything. I missed this part. Mary, an older co-worker of Lisa's must have stopped in for one before going home and was a party to it. They were crabby, and she kind of looked like a deer in the headlights. I can only imagine.....

So right off the bat the waitstaff are ignoring the table. I want a drink, and I'm beyond hungry. Lisa and Kerri wanted to go to the Choo-Choo across the street. Do you know what it's like to try and cross highway 2 at rush hour??? We decided to stay, flagged down the waitress, got my rum and coke, ordered my chicken sandwich, and a meatless cheeseburger and a meatless California burger. Mary left before dinner arrived, and Shelly joined in about half way through.

The food was so-so, and the cook put piles (three inches thick I kid you not) of grated cheese on the girls sandwiches. Perhaps trying to make up for charging for meat that wasn't there......perhaps some other statement? Anyway, not the place for us. Nice remodeling job though.

We all pile in to Lisa's Cherokee to zip across the busy highway to the "Choo-Choo" bar. Ok, first off, WHERE is the train? It's now a white rectangle. All around outside they are setting up for a street dance tomorrow night. The inside is dark, pretty much as I remember it, but there is this awful smell I can not place. Yes, I smell the fish fry. That's not it. It's making me nauseous, kind of like really strong b.o. So we hike it up on the stools at the only available table and start looking around. We find an older, rough looking crowd, 50 and up I would say. Not really our "scene". Then it happened.

The vegetarians had their back to the main part of the bar. Shelly and I saw it all. Let me state first that I love bacon, and this did not in anyway affect me, and my love of meat. Shelly is soft hearted, and was sad for the pig. Lisa and Kerri........ perhaps therapy will help. Two men come out of the kitchen carrying a pig. A huge, skinned for a pig roast, headless (thank God) pig by his stiff legs. Shelly gasps and says "DONT LOOK". I said "Seriously, don't look!" Of course they couldn't help but looking. Our time at the Choo Choo came to a quick end. Shelly and Kerri actually ran to the car. Lisa and I were laughing too hard. We drove away with Kerri sticking her head out of the window yelling "Wilber! Wilber! Wilbur!" At the top of her lungs.

Then I did something I regret. The saying "You can't go home again" is so true, and I should not have driven through my old neighborhood on my way to the next bar. Everything is so run down, including the home I poured my heart and soul into...... serious mistake.

The next stop was the East End Tavern. I thought it was in a different spot on fifth, you can tell I'm not a bar hopper. :) Locals reading this will wonder how I didn't know where it was. Ok, I actually worked right across the street from it at Lake Superior Chiropractors.... what can I say? I don't pay any attention to bars, or apparently anything else in my immediate surroundings if they don't pertain to me.

What can I say about EET? We walk in, and it's very dark, and yes kind of dingy. Sitting at a table where you can't hear anyone talk isn't really my idea of a good time. They have a Pac Man machine, but we couldn't get near it. That would have been fun! There is that smell again. It is awful! Sitting there unable to hear most of the conversations I figured it out. You can't smoke in the bars anymore, and Choo-Choo and EET haven't done anything to air them out. It's the years and years of smoke that are causing that nausiating odor! Then a guy jumps up and his bar stool crashes to the floor, breaking! This happens directly behind Kerri and myself and we scoot to the other end of the table to A. not get squished by whatever fight is about to break out and B. for a good seat! Unfortunately nothing happened. :( I left soon after, laundry to finish up you know. Three bars in one night is a pretty big deal for me, although I only had one rum and coke. lol

Next week we go back to C's. That is where we started all those years ago, but the smoke was just too intense for me. Now that everyone is smoke free perhaps we'll settle there again. They cater to the meatless ones, the dead animals stay in the kitchen, they really have excellent food, and excellent service. Hopefully *gag* they've done a little airing out!

Growing Pains

I've been too busy living life to blog about it, or at least to write it out here. :) This one was written last Friday during nap time at work. It was an awful day, one of the worst as far as my work history goes. The highlight (sarcasm) was an extremely large five year old rough and tumble boy bursting into tears and sobbing his heart out on my lap. Sometimes it's traumatic for the kids when they realize Kindergarten means never coming back "home" to daycare. I felt his pain, as you will see. Jaded as I may be, I cried. Oh and you KNOW the kids noticed, and it capped off with a parent, a DAD no less, showing up early to pick up his son. Not one of my finer moments.

So here it is: Growing Pains

This has been a week of "growing" in my family! My youngest brother David and his wife Elise, watched their oldest child begin, and survive her first day of High School. The very same day their baby began, and survived ( but will her teacher?) Kindergarten. Their middle child, with her mouth full of big teeth, little teeth, and empty spots where teeth will be, started first grade.

Tater quotes on Kindergarten:

Night before ~ " My tummy is so excited it's throwing a party!"

Upon arriving home after day one ~ " Aunt Joanie, Mrs. Jardine's class is LONG."

My brother Jerry and his wife Jenny sent their son Paul (TAFKAP - The Artist Formerly Known As Pablo) off to third grade. Already? Didn't that boy just get here from Guatemala??? Time does fly. He seemed to enjoy his day I wont put the "Sorry" incident in the blog, we'll chalk it up to being overtired from the first day of school.

Last, but certainly not least, CeCe started Kindergarten! She has a special ed classroom, but joins the regular K for music, art, and gym. Grandma Karen went with to help get her settled on the first day. That makes it easier for my sister Kate to talk with teachers, therapists, etc. Karen commented on how many people knew CeCe by name and came to say hello. Not only classmates and kids from summer school, put their parents as well. Of course she can't tell us, but I'm sure she's excited to be back at school. Hangin' with Mom is fine for a bit, but gets boring quick for a little girl who is used to being on the go!

Then there are my own "growing pains". I WISH they were from growing taller. Alas, I resigned myself years ago to the fact that five foot flat is the tallest I will ever be. Almost ten years to the day I took over the full time preschool teacher position at the "Y". I taught for five years, and I absolutely loved it! Then our district brought in 4K (four year old Kindergarten), and several of the centers in town, including ours, opted to add it to their program. This meant a job change for me. I stayed in the room, but an elementary teacher came in to do "my" job, and I worked with her until lunch. So the child care portion of the day was still my responsibility.

This year, due to circumstances and situations I'm not going to comment on....YET, my time in the four and five year old room is being halved. The 4K program doesn't have enough kids for two teachers, so I was given the choice of which room to spend my mornings in. From now on I will be hanging out in the Toddler (2 yr old) Room in the mornings, and then moving back to "my" room at noon.

While I technically lost the job I loved five years ago, not only lost it, but had the pleasure of watching EIGHT teachers come and go during that time. Again, plenty to blog about, but I digress..... for now. I still had a hand in the program.

I start my new position on Tuesday morning. Another teacher said to me, "Isn't it funny? You started your career in that room." It's true, I did. I was the lead teacher for nine years or so before I had to take a sanity break. My reply?

"Yes, and it appears that's where I'll end it."