Hillbilly Tooth Picks

I learn so much hanging out in the country watching cable television.  My mind is already a font of useless information, which is why it is very hard to beat me at Trivial Pursuit.  In fact, no one has.  Nope, not once.

I have two stories from last nights television viewing.  This one struck me so funny I actually laughed til I cried, and I was sober.

I was introduced to a new show called "Oddities-San Fransisco".  Some people own a shop that sells, well, oddities.  We saw animal skeletons, ozone machines, a gas mask made for a horse, and these dioramas that the owner makes out of animals that have been sent to the taxidermist.  She dresses them up and poses them............. oddity is right.

So, a dude comes in with an ozone machine and wants to trade for a diorama, but he has special requests.  I can't quite recall what they were, but something about zombies was discussed.  It ended up being a mouse zombie thing, but that's not the important part.

The owner sent her assistant, Wednesday (who in fact looks like Wednesday from the Adams Family) out to pick around at flea markets to see if she could find something macabre and whimsical for this special diorama.  (People are so weird.)  She approaches a booth and asks the guy about macabre whimsy and right before they cut to commercial he makes a comment "Boy, do I have something to show you."  Then they show her reaction, but not what it is, and we're at commercial.  I chuckled and made some comment about just what he was showing her..........

We came back from commercial and they show a jar of straw like bones.  Wednesday was beside herself with excitement.  "Baculum?  Are these really baculum?"  Then the voice over explained that baculum are animal penis bones.  Well, I knew he was showing her something of the sort!  So we started laughing at how close I was to the truth.  They cut back to the shop, and Wednesday was excitedly showing the others her find.  The dude who works there said.  "Baculum?  I've always known them as HILLBILLY TOOTHPICKS." 

Raccoon baculum

I just lost it.  I laughed long and hard and loud.  I would compose myself and start all over again until I was crying.  I could start laughing again right now just thinking about it! 

I wonder if the fellers down in Lizard Lick know about this?  I wasn't planning on watching anything "hillbilly" because I'm afraid I'm going to dream about them coming to kill me again.  This one just snuck itself in there.  Hee Haw!  Keep them teeth ya still got healthy!  *gag*

Hillbilly Dreamin'

If you go back into the blog, oh.... about a year or so, heck it's probably longer than that.  Maybe about two years ago you will find.... wait, I learned how to do this!  Here!  

http://queenie930.blogspot.com/2011/04/hughitt-hillbillies.html  

Living next to Hillbillies is NOT fun.  Watching them on television IS.  Dreaming about them trying to kill you.......... well, that just means you were up until three a.m. Sunday morning watching too much Hillbilly T.V.  That was the show "Lizard Lick" which I am absolutely obsessed with.  The drama they create in their own minds hooks me every time. 

When Bobby got hit with a shovel by a giant Hillbilly I winced, then I laughed until I almost peed my pants.  When the huge Hillbilly lady came out to defend her rifle totin' man, who was dressed in RED LONG JOHNS ......... oh wait, the best part was what she said.  "You upset my GOAT and my MAN."  (note who she put first) I was in stitches.  I think it's probably just as amusing to watch me watching them as it is to just watch the show. 

I also was introduced to "Swamp People" where they hunt gators, and now Miss Baby Face Swanson tells me there's something called "Redneck Vacation."  *rubbing my hands with glee*  I wonder just how much DVR space I can get him to allot me........

The funny thing is, I rarely watch T.V.  I have been home all morning and the set is quiet.  I don't have cable or dish, just the regular old channels and rabbit ears.  When I'm out in the country, or at my sisters, I can almost never find anything to watch on the pay stations.  Until now.  It's like Hillbillies gone wild all over the place, and as long as they aren't in MY back yard, or in my dreams trying to kill me, I'm lovin' it!

The Box

Once upon a time in 1970 (or earlier) people had rabbit ears on their television sets. Periodically you would have to move the ears to get reception, some people even had little foil extenders to help the channels come in. I remember ears on our TV sets, but no foil was necessary. We had an absolutely HUGE antennae on the roof. That thing could have picked up messages from outer space if need be. Now I'm wondering if it is still on said house. My brother Jerry still lives there, I'll have to ask him. I don't notice that kind of thing. (I asked and apparently Dad took it down while I was still living there.....see, I'm oblivious.)

So anyway, here I am in 2011 and because I choose not to have dish or cable I have to have a converter box and antennae. Now a few years back I did just fine with the regular old rabbit ears on the TV. I found reception right out of the gate and never looked back, until the box came along. Ahhh the converter box. I hate the converter box.

It was confusing enough to set up, let alone having to deal with a dvd player in the mix, but I prevailed. So I have TV, most of the time. I also have phantom channels that I have to scroll through to get to the real ones. I've tried multiple times to remove them, but no dice. So I just scroll, scroll, scroll, my remote, gently down the stream.... sorry, I'm tired.

The best part of the converter box (sarcasm) is the nonsense I've been dealing with this week, and deal with every time the shows are new. This did not happen during the holidays one time. NOT ONCE! The minute prime time hit on Sunday night the TV started going in and out and I got the no signal message. Every night this week it's the same thing. There is no inclement weather, only new TV programming. Shows like Dancing with the Stars, and American Idol always have break up, no matter how many times I move the antennae.

Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck??? Do "they" think I'm not onto "them"? I honestly think it's a conspiracy to get everyone to buy television. Now, I'm not normally a conspiracy theorist, but I can prove this! Come on over to watch the television when American Idol starts. You'll miss half of it, but hey, the Goovers gave me a great big popcorn popper for Christmas!

To whom it may concern. I am NOT buying television. Not now, not ev.... well, not in the near future anyway. While I enjoy the Discovery Channel, Hallmark, and catching All My Children at night, it just isn't worth the money for the amount of TV I would actually watch. So go ahead and keep messing with the signal during prime time. I have a whole pile of books sitting right over there (looks to the left) just waiting to be read. :)

P.S. While writing this the news has come on. It has been 15 minutes, and not one lost signal. Not one.