Gone To Soon

~Lacey Joy Gayken  March 11,1983 - February 14, 2012

I was going to write about the death of Whitney Houston, about how sad it is that she died at such a young age.  Then something else happened in my own life, and it put things in perspective.  We are all saddened about the Whitney tragedy, but lets face it, she made choices in her life that eventually led to her death, and no one is surprised that it ended this way.

Last night my friends' daughter passed away from Huntington's disease.  Huntington's usually strikes older adults, and being diagnosed at my age would be considered relatively young.  Lacey was diagnosed at 18, and after watching her aunt die from the disease, and then her own father, she knew exactly what she was in for.

I met her when she was five, and for whatever reason that is always the image I have in my head of her.  Long blond hair up in a bun, huge blue eyes, and a little button nose, hiding by her Mom with the little giggle she always had.  Spoiled rotten, mostly by her father, who absolutely adored her.

She always wanted so badly to be a Mom, to have her own baby to love, but with a diagnosis of Huntington's, that wasn't possible.  Well, it was possible, but not advised.  It's a hereditary disease that physically ravages it's victims, but until closer to the end their mental capacity remains in tact.  So you are totally aware of what is happening to you and just become more and more trapped in your own body.  So at the age of eighteen she learned that her dream was not possible.  The disease moved so rapidly back then that soon lots of things weren't possible.

It was about three years ago that Deb was able to get a Make a Wish trip for Lacey to go Disney or Sea World....maybe it was both, in Florida.  The people there were wonderful, helping Lacey do everything she wanted, even keeping a dolphin exhibit open after hours so she could get in and swim with them.  I remember seeing the joy on her face in the pictures, and hearing the joy and gratitude in her Mom's voice as she proudly showed them off.  The doctors back then said that was probably near the end, but she held on.

Lacey did not quite make it to her twenty ninth birthday.  She really didn't have the chance to even be an adult, getting so sick at a young age.  Over the past ten years so many of us have wondered aloud why this happens.  We have talked about the unfairness of it all, and how desperately sad it is.  It broke my heart to watch her deteriorate over the years, and it took a lot for me to put my big girl panties on and treat her normally when I saw her, instead of hugging her and crying like I wanted to.

I know that she is in a better place now, free of all the things that were holding her back.  Free of the pain and frustration.  Probably sitting in a rocking chair singing a baby angel to sleep.  Dozens of puppies and kitties at her feet.  We wont ever get the answer to the why questions, not in this lifetime anyway.  The best we can do is honor her memory, and live our own lives to the fullest. 

I will miss you Lacey Lu, you rotten kid. ;)  Love you sweetheart. ♥

1986

The writing floodgates have opened and I just can't stop!  The other floodgates have opened, and now that the crying jag has settled down, mostly fixed by dancing and singing in the kitchen to "Our Lips Are Sealed" by the Go-Go's........ ( Hope my neighbors enjoyed it.) Let me tell you 'bout it.
I was doing some straightening up in the living room, when I realized all my junior and senior high school year books were still under the coffee table.  I took them out last May to show off some spectacular photo's of someone, to a mutual friend.  I'm not telling who.  I'm not that dumb.  Anyway, there they were, and there I was, so I thought I'd look at one of them.  The best years from that time would be 9th grade, and my junior year of high school.  My Uncle passed away at the end of ninth grade, and I missed the last day, so my yearbook has no writing in it.  My junior year is full of writing.  Apparently I was a good friend, did a great job in the musical Hello Dolly (I was Minnie Faye) and am a fabulous singer.  Oh, and the ever present "Good luck with Wally."  Even a few "Be nice to Wally" showed up.  Nice to Wally?  I let him hang around me, and after everything that happened, that WAS nice.

It's funny, but the people in my junior yearbook who wrote things to me are, for the most part, friends with me on facebook today!  That's why I love facebook, because I can keep tabs on all my old friends and we truly are  F/A !  I was sitting there reading all of the nice comments and inside jokes that I can not recall anymore, and was planning to write about what a bunch of nerds we all were.  (Well, I assume I wrote nerdy things in your yearbook.....)  There are some things I do remember.  Sudafed, and "Reach the beach" come to mind at the moment.

Now, I knew that reading the yearbook would be dangerous territory.  I don't pull them out very often.  Wally and I were together off and on (and off and on and off and on....) from the time I was 14 til the time I was 20.  Ok, lets be honest.  There were several guest appearances until I was almost 22.  The minute I met my x hub we were done.  Well..... plus the part where he got someone else pregnant.  That kinda put the capper on it too.  This isn't something I can usually talk about so we must be deep down in the soul tonight.  I knew that I would see whatever he wrote to me that year, but luckily it was near the end.  I got to enjoy all of your odd, quirky, sweet comments and laugh a bit before the bottom fell out.

Usually he would write something short and to the point.  See you this summer, love you, HSA, the end.  This year he apparently told me he would fill a page.  He wrote a bit, then whined about having to fill up the page, then filled the rest of the page with a giant I LOVE YOU, and several random sayings around it.  HSA of course, (No, I'm never going to tell another soul.  Live with it.) but I had forgotten there was one about getting married.  Just seeing his handwriting was enough, but then I well and truly lost it.

I don't let myself go down the road of " What if?" very often, if at all.  Especially where he is concerned.  The facts are brutal, and there can never be a what if, ever.  There really isn't any point in dwelling on what could have been.  Especially when the reality of what could have been wouldn't have been very good.  My heart questions and my head lectures.  The reality is that I would still be 42 and either widowed or divorced.  More than likely divorced, and then losing him a few years later.  I just would probably be trying to support a pack of children on top of it.  Although there is one child who really could have used my support, influence, love, whatever.  It's hard to believe she's an adult now.  I have kept tabs from a very long distance all this time.  The last time I actually saw her was at his funeral, running around in his high school football jersey.  The one I used to wear.......

I chose not to attend my twenty year reunion, for a few reasons, but this is the big one.  I couldn't stand to be there when he was not.  Our twenty-five comes up this summer....... and I intend to try, at least something.  There are other faces I want to see, important people to me in their own right.  Hugs to be given, hands to be held, stories to be told.  Perhaps a few tears to shed.  I can't believe I'm finally writing about any of this.  If I write it I can't bury it any longer.  Apparently it's time.

When September Ends

This is one of those therapy blogs where I just have some stuff festering that I need to get rid of. 

I love the song by Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Ends".  I'm listening to it as I write this in fact, so feel free to hum along.  I mentioned in a former blog that this is my favorite time of year, but that really only goes to about mid month.  It's more about the weather and the changing seasons because actually it's a tough time of year for me. 

I find that most men I know have a time of year where they should just disappear for a week or two.  It would be kinder to the rest of the world, especially those of us trapped in a relationship with them. :)  Women tend to deal with these things better, it isn't a slam on men, it's just the way it is.  It's what we do.  We roll with it, move on, we deal.  Those around us don't suffer for what we've lost in life. We take a moment here and there to remember, but we live our lives, and if I didn't tell you, you would never, ever know.

September is always difficult.  On one hand I love the changing seasons, I love how excited the little ones are at the beginning of 4K.  They are the big kids now!  Starting the new year of pre-school, my own nieces and nephews sports things, annual rummage sale, the crisp in the air, waiting for the leaves to turn.  On the other hand, and it's a big other hand, This month holds my parents wedding anniversary, ( It's an odd time to miss them so much, but I'm odd.) Wally's birthday, and the day that he died.  The middle of September was when my life began a downward spiral last year, leaving carnage through December.  It's hard for me to look back at where I was a year ago. I sort of see myself as walking along with a puzzled look, feeling that something isn't quite right,  just about to unknowingly step off of a cliff.

I have ten days to go in September.  I don't do a countdown, but I know this because my birthday also happens to be the last day of September.  I'm not one of those women who dreads their birthday, or lies about their age.  I have lived the heck out of most of my forty-one years on this earth.  Good, bad, and in between.  I can not wait to leave forty-one in the past.  There have been moments, but it has not been kind for the most part.  Forty two just has to be better.  Pretty please?  *sigh*

Ten days to go.  Why I think it will make anything better I don't know, but for some reason I do.  It's kind of like New Years I guess.  Shrug off the old and start anew.   I've done a lot of growing in the past few months, and while I'm still not where I'd like to be with one thing in particular (banging head on the desk), I definitely feel better.

 ♫ As my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost, wake me up, when September ends. ♫