Headless

Well, it has been a month since my status reverted to single. I would like to tell you that I am doing much better. It would be nice to say that the constant ache in my soul has eased some. I would love to say that I've realized he wasn't the one for me, and I'm starting to heal and move forward. All of those things sound wonderful, but they are definitely not true. I also seem to have another problem. Have any of you seen my head???

I have an odd obsession with Henry VIII. I read everything I can get my hands on pertaining to him, and/or his poor wives. I love historical fiction, and I am in heaven with that time period. I often wonder why that is? I'm currently reading "The Autobiography of Henry VIII with notes by his fool Will Somers" by Margaret George. It is a 1000 page book with the tiniest print ever! I drag it to work every day and read while the kids are sleeping, I read it at home also. I've even dragged it into the bubble bath with me and managed not to drop the thing. It seems as if it will never end! When I started it I thought that if I didn't like it within the first few pages I wouldn't bother. I know the story anyway. Of course, I loved it, and I'll look for this author again once I've finished it. Heaven knows I can never have enough books. *looking over at the book basket with at least 20 waiting to be read*

Which Queen do I relate to? Well up until now I would have said the last one, Catherine Parr. She used her wits, survived his madness, and outlived Henry. That is pretty much my deal. I'm a survivor. However last night while talking about blogs and books with Patty, who is my sister in law Jenny's Mom, better known as Oma (Grandma) to the artist formerly known as Pablo, I realized that I might as well be Anne Boleyn. We were talking about life, and I suddenly said "The way it went, my head might as well have been chopped right off."

Was Anne a witch? Was she an adulteress? Perhaps she was totally innocent, a mere pawn in a political game. I used to sit on one side of the fence, but now I'm leaning toward the other. Well, most of me is leaning. My head, of course, is rolling down the hill. :)

Goover Gingerbread

Well, we goovers finally had our "Wizard of Oz" sleepover! The two little ones had never seen the movie, so it was fun to share it with them. It always brings up childhood memories, mostly of Easter, as that is when the networks used to play it. The first time Ashlyn and I watched it she was about four, and I was afraid she would be scared of the witch. Turns out she cheered the witch on. That's my girl!

While Ashlyn made brownies the goovers helped me "un" decorate the house from fall/Thanksgiving. They enjoyed that, and it got the work done really fast. We took out one Christmas candle, and arranged the holiday blocks to say "Merry Christmas". Then we took out the gingerbread house kit that I purchased from Target. It was an interesting project, and we all did have a lot of fun. The icing was like tacky glue with sugar in it, and that's what it tasted like too. Much to the disappointment of the girls the candy also arrives stale. It went together without incident, and that's all Auntie cared about!

My wall is now covered with paintings turned into snowflakes. That's the decoration they chose to make this year. We ran out of time for Christmas chains this time. If we get together to make cookies we'll do that too. Christmas dinner is at my house, so it's fun to have them help with the decorating.

One major change in the goover plans: I am not sleeping with the little goovers again! I put the restless one on the end (Caitlin) so she would kick Hannah, not me. :) She still took up more than half the bed, leaving me and Hannah (who is as hot as a furnace) clinging to the other edge. Add a cat who is upset to have someone else close to her Mama and we have a mostly sleepless night. We'll get them a blow up mattress for when they spend the end of Dec with me, and the nights we're at their house they can sleep in their own beds! When they woke up bright eyed at 7 am I thought, yep.... THIS is why I do not have kids!

It was a fun time though, and we'll get together again soon! Maybe TAFKAP can join us for some cookie baking in a few weeks. He's a goover alright, but is allergic to the cat so can't sleep over.

Speaking of TAFKAP, we had a good Thanksgiving. He beat me at Mario Kart numerous times, and he, Jerry, and I played four rock band songs. I played at expert and 3 out of 4 were 98%! I ROCK! ;)

Pumpkin Pie

The pie is in the oven, and soon the spicy scent of cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and my favorite, cloves, will be wafting through the air of my apartment. It is snowing to beat the band outside, and all cozy and warm in here. The cat on my lap is meowing about her day, or just bitching at me in general. There is an empty space on the floor by the coffee table where a dog should be, an empty space on the rocker where another cat should be, and an empty space on the couch where someone should be snoring. I should be used to this by now, nothing stays the same.

I made my first pumpkin pie when I was in grade school, and I forgot the milk. Luckily my Mom noticed the cup of milk on the counter a couple of minutes after the pie went into the oven. She rolled her eyes at me and very gently slid the oven rack out, poured the milk right into the pie and stirred it up. I've never made that mistake again! I have on occasion left out a spice, and had a pie overflow in the oven, but that's about it. Yes, I do put the pie on a cookie sheet now! One mess like that is enough.

Several years ago I came across a recipe for a pumpkin chiffon pie. It rocks! Graham cracker crust, cream cheese base, and a homemade pumpkin pudding on top. I made it last year, but found some pumpkin flavored pudding at the store so thought I'd cut corners. NOT a good idea. I'm not making that this year. I wasn't even going to make a pie at all, but my x husband wanted to trade me a pie (minus a piece for me) for some of his world famous stuffing and gravy, so of course I said, hell ya! I'm also throwing in some rutabegga, which is oddly my second favorite thing about Thanksgiving.

I am spending my Thanksgiving with TAFKAP (the artist formerly known as Pablo) and family. Jenny is making ham. Now I like ham, don't get me wrong, but not for Thanksgiving. Paul and I like turkey, so I picked up a breast to cook and bring along. I will also be bringing...rutabegga! Mmmmm I love the smell of cooking beggies. When we would have Thanksgiving at Aunt Mary's you could smell it when you walked in the door. She always set a gorgeous table, for her sister's three hooligan children. The year my brother popped the top off of the water glass by squeezing the stem as hard as he could.........twice.....was priceless. Jerry was always her favorite, so of course it had to have been an accident, the first time. hehehe Not so much. She wizened up after the second one went pop. It was really cool, the whole top just popped off in one piece, flew up into the air and crashed down on the table. I clearly remember his evil grin from across the table, and I remember all of our water going into regular glasses after that.

Those days are gone now, most of the people are too. Life changes, traditions change, and we just have to roll with it. At least there's pumpkin pie, and for that I am truly thankful!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Smile?

I contemplated not publishing this because it is so personal, but that is the point of my blog after all. If my struggles, stumbles, insights, and general gooneyness help someone, all the better.

The other day when I wrote about music it started me thinking about listening to it again. I've had the music off for several weeks now so nothing could creep up on me unexpected and cause a very ugly and potentially embarrassing moment.

So today I thought, hey....why not turn it on and torture yourself? Maybe you can exercise the demons inside? Doesn't that sound like fun? No, no it does not. So I didn't turn it on.

Later I was led astray by that lil guy Bieber, or however you spell his name. I'm not really a fan, but I like the song "You smile, I smile." He won at the AMA's and they played a snippet of the song. It, well, it makes me smile. :) I need things that make me smile, so I thought I would download it on iTunes and listen to it 5 million times. I never listen to a new download just once. I have to listen to it enough to learn the words, because I need to sing along. I just have to, it's the law. Ok, it isn't really the law, but ask anyone who's around me. I have to. At least I can carry a tune. *shrug*

I innocently cranked up the ol' iTunes on the computer, but the iStore wouldn't load. Please try again later. Well, I don't want to! I want to smile, and I want to smile now! Rats. Of course then I start looking through my music. I like Daughtry, but for some reason I only have one song on my computer. "Over You" is the title, and while I knew it was a breakup song, I guess I only really know the chorus. Ah, what the heck. Lets give it a listen. Maybe it will make me feel better. It didn't. Oh God, it did not. I stared in horror with a small tear sliding down my cheek, then cried a bit, then the awful sobbing gasps, and the anger waves as I raged at the unfairness of it all. Not pretty, but a pretty necessary step in this journey I'm on. If I can't get the awfulness out of me I will just stew in it.

I can't quite recall the stages of grief, and I never do them in the right order anyway. I still have moments of denial, I am angry most of the time, I obviously have done some grieving today, but acceptance is a long way coming. I know there's one more, so I'm googling it. I wouldn't want to miss any of this loveliness. Ah! The bargaining. Yep, I've done that. I do a lot of that. Google says it's normal to do these things out of order, so I wont make the shrink appointment just yet.

Well, things could be a lot worse. I could be Brett Favre! hahahahahahahahaha There. You smiled, I smiled. :D

Jaded

"Hey j-j-jaded, you got your mama's style But you're yesterday's child to me So jaded You think that's where it's at But is that where it's supposed to be? " ~ Aerosmith


That's me. Jaded. Sometimes I hide it better than others, this is not one of those times. Years ago when Tom wanted to become the assistant in my room I honestly said to him, " I think men are useless. Prove me wrong." He did. My male friends usually do. Men I am in a relationship with do not. So is that because of the choices I make, or because men act differently with female friends? Hmmm..... not the subject of this blog, but an interesting question none the less.

Last weekend I was supposed to have my nieces sleep over. I had the flu instead. My Ashlyn was going to her first high school formal, with the girls, and she was coming home to me. I would get to see her in her beautiful dress, make some popcorn, take out the monopoly, and gab about boys and the dance the rest of the night. Instead I spent the night alone. Me, some popcorn, and Jane Austin.

First I watched "Sense and Sensibility", which I love. The Misses Dashwood were settled with their men and all was right with the world. Even though I don't really believe in it, I still love to dream about it, and watch it. Then lo and behold I realized that the version I got from the library had another disc! A whole other movie, called "Jane Austen Regrets", based on her letters. I loved it! Now, I am NO Jane Austen, but it seems our thinking runs along similar lines. We would like to believe the fairytale, we can even spin fairy tales for others to enjoy ( yeah...I'm no Austin) but neither of us really believes it. In the movie Jane's niece goes to her for advice on a man she (the niece) wants to marry. Jane basically tanks it with her cynicism. It was then that I realized I could very well do the same thing.

I want to be there for my niece, for all of them for that matter. Sometimes the young women at work will even ask me a question, or an opinion about men related things. I don't want to tank something inadvertently, because of my cynicism. I certainly don't want Ashlyn to grow up hating men. Although the thought of her going through even 1/4 of what I have upsets me greatly, the bliss of first love isn't something I would want to deny her. There's a fine line between insightful advise, and destructive cynicism. It's time for me to learn how to walk it.


I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance ~ Garth Brooks

How Rude!

This is more of a short irritated commentary! Unless of course I start to rant. :) The other day I decided to update my Face Book status. It now says single, and I changed the "looking for" from just friends to add dating and a relationship . Although I am not really looking for those things at the moment. So I changed it, and moved on with my life without another thought. Then I started noticing the adds on the side of my wall had changed.

Apparently I am no longer interested in "Tide", or going back to school, or working from home. Now the ads are totally jammed with dating sites of all kinds, weight watchers, and my favorite...... depression web sites. WTF????? Apparently I need to get on weight watchers and take some pills so I can run right out and find me a man! (which is odd, because the only reason I would need pills of any kind would be due to MEN in the first place)

What kind of a message does this send to women????? I'm trying to keep it clean, but the profanities are flying in my head. I happen to like the way I look, thank you very much. Yes, I am sad. I have been through a very rough and trying time, but I'm dealing with it. No meds needed. However, I do encourage people to seek help if they need it. It just isn't for me. I know how to deal with this. I should, I've done it enough. For me it's a process I have to go through, and I need to feel it. I wont dull it with meds.

The most important statement: FACEBOOK I DO NOT NEED A MAN TO BE COMPLETE! Sometimes I WANT to share my life with a man, but it is not a need. Right now I'm not feeling very generous toward the opposite sex. Until I can direct that anger toward only the people who deserve it, I have no business dating. I'm doing some serious focus on ME, what I want out of this life, and how I'm going to get it. The word man does not apply to any of it at the moment.

So bring back the ads for "Tide" and furthering my education online. They are much more interesting to me right now!

~The End

Music

Music is the very heart of my being. It soothes me when I need to be comforted, and instantly picks me up when I'm down. When I was a teen I spent more time sitting on the hi-fi in my room listening to music, singing my aching heart out, and staring out the window than doing anything else. While I like many kinds of music, I'm a rock and roll girl at heart. Country music usually makes me shudder, but there are a few tunes I can deal with. ♫ You and me goin' fishin' in the dark.... ♫ Some of the cross overs are alright.

I love to sing. My Mom used to say that I never cried when I woke up as a baby, rather, I would sing to myself in the crib. I believe it, I'm always singing. I make up songs at work to get me through the day, and give my co-workers a smile. The kids and I listen to classical at nap time, and we listen to the oldies when it's time to wake up. Often you will find us dancing among the nap mats.

I also love to dance. When I am at my worst, and raging at the world I will dance it out. The best song for that is "The Boys Are Back in Town." Why? Heck if I know, but it lets me dance my demons away. Then there's slow dancing. Holding the person you love close. Shoot, I can't even go there right now. My niece is at her first formal dance tonight, and oh the memories that bring up!

I have had a hard time trying to blog lately. I have very exciting news to share, but it has to wait. The world isn't going my way and what I can put into words I shouldn't. The rest is too real if I give it words. I feel stuck and angry, blocked and broken. I got this much out because of music. I didn't seek out the music, I'm in too deep for it at the moment. It found me, and it was county and awful, simply awful, but it fits. Some chick singing on PBS, which is my background noise this evening. This is what she sang:

"Bury me beneath the willow, under the weeping willow tree. So he may know where I am sleeping, and perhaps he'll weep for me."

It was sad and haunting, a broken heart, a lover who walked away uncaring. It was corny and hee-haw, and it struck me down where I stood. Shook me enough to want to get some of this out of me though, and that's a good thing. It got me to sit down and write something, and that's what it's all about. I've heard several writers give the advice to read something every day, and write something every day. Reading I've got covered, no problem. The writing is a little tougher these days.

My favorite of all time? "No Matter What" by Badfinger ♥

When October Ends

What to write about October 2010? I began the month with a career hanging in the balance, but pretty confident in my home life. My "family" consisted of 3 cats, the world's best dog, and two humans. October ended with a career that is looking up, but only myself and one cat, Misty are left in the "family" unit. Pepper, bless him, is lost forever to me. Leon, Sam, and Milky very well may be also.

What happened is too personal and too painful to write about in detail, but it's definitely a new twist for a relationship ending for me. He is my judge, jury, and executioner.....and at this point I have no choice but to accept it. It burns my very soul. When presented with fight or flight I will come out swinging every time, and my hands are tied at my sides. Everything I say falls on deaf ears, but I will keep shouting it from the rooftops. I am innocent! I have done nothing wrong, unless loving someone is considered a crime these days. I deserve a fair trial.

Once again the winds of change are whistlin' round my door step. The ying and the yang that are my life are in play. The good always equals out the bad, and vice versa. I hold desperately onto the hope that God has better things in store for me, all the way around. While I don't practice a formal religion any more, I am still very in tune with my faith. I think it's just time to let Him handle it all. I'm beyond done trying.