Smile?

I contemplated not publishing this because it is so personal, but that is the point of my blog after all. If my struggles, stumbles, insights, and general gooneyness help someone, all the better.

The other day when I wrote about music it started me thinking about listening to it again. I've had the music off for several weeks now so nothing could creep up on me unexpected and cause a very ugly and potentially embarrassing moment.

So today I thought, hey....why not turn it on and torture yourself? Maybe you can exercise the demons inside? Doesn't that sound like fun? No, no it does not. So I didn't turn it on.

Later I was led astray by that lil guy Bieber, or however you spell his name. I'm not really a fan, but I like the song "You smile, I smile." He won at the AMA's and they played a snippet of the song. It, well, it makes me smile. :) I need things that make me smile, so I thought I would download it on iTunes and listen to it 5 million times. I never listen to a new download just once. I have to listen to it enough to learn the words, because I need to sing along. I just have to, it's the law. Ok, it isn't really the law, but ask anyone who's around me. I have to. At least I can carry a tune. *shrug*

I innocently cranked up the ol' iTunes on the computer, but the iStore wouldn't load. Please try again later. Well, I don't want to! I want to smile, and I want to smile now! Rats. Of course then I start looking through my music. I like Daughtry, but for some reason I only have one song on my computer. "Over You" is the title, and while I knew it was a breakup song, I guess I only really know the chorus. Ah, what the heck. Lets give it a listen. Maybe it will make me feel better. It didn't. Oh God, it did not. I stared in horror with a small tear sliding down my cheek, then cried a bit, then the awful sobbing gasps, and the anger waves as I raged at the unfairness of it all. Not pretty, but a pretty necessary step in this journey I'm on. If I can't get the awfulness out of me I will just stew in it.

I can't quite recall the stages of grief, and I never do them in the right order anyway. I still have moments of denial, I am angry most of the time, I obviously have done some grieving today, but acceptance is a long way coming. I know there's one more, so I'm googling it. I wouldn't want to miss any of this loveliness. Ah! The bargaining. Yep, I've done that. I do a lot of that. Google says it's normal to do these things out of order, so I wont make the shrink appointment just yet.

Well, things could be a lot worse. I could be Brett Favre! hahahahahahahahaha There. You smiled, I smiled. :D