Finally!

You know, I think I've got this!  Sam was dropped off about an hour ago, and while it is so good to see her, and was nice to visit with the Brown Eyed Man, the pain is gone.  Absolutely gone.  It isn't that I don't care anymore, it's the acceptance that I have been waiting so long for.  I have my "power" back.  That thing that makes me uniquely me.  If you know me, you know what I mean.  I am firmly on my throne and in control.  It's my mojo baby!  ha...... I can hear the Austin Powers music in the background.  Yes, there will still be bumps, but I've got this.  Finally.  It's about stinking time!

In my last post I talked about how much it hurt that the fourth was coming and I would have Sam, but nothing else, but you know what?  I think that was the last of it passing, the final letting go.  As the Wisconsin motto reads.  "On Forward!"  (Thanks for that one Kerri.....and the rest of the kind words.  You are an amazing woman also, and an amazing friend ♥)

In other news, apparently Milkie's former owner has gotten herself two kittens.  So......does the apartment she lives in now suddenly allow pets?  Leon said, "You know Mom, no one tells her no."  I then straightened myself and said. "I beg to differ.  I did.  I told her she would get Milkie back over my dead body, and I meant it."  Both of us grinned, and  I then continued with the statement that when she decides those two are inconvenient.........don't even ask me.  I'm not taking on any kittens!!

Star Spangled Sam

Apparently in the world of dog custody, the Fourth of July belongs to me.  Now normally I would be all excited that Sammy was coming to stay for a long weekend, and I really am glad down deep somewhere, but the welling up of feeling is kind of blocking that right now.

You see, the Fourth of July is when Leon and I really started our relationship.  So the last three 4ths have been pretty darn special, although he was never aware until I reminded him.  He's that kind of guy.  So I will give him the benefit of the doubt on that part of it. 

So once again here I am, all "I've got this.  I'm over it.  It's all good.  Look at me, I'm so special."  Then I get an email that just says Sam.  So of course first off I think something has happened to Sam.  Then I read it, and something happens to me.  I'm crushed.  I knew there weren't going to be any bonfires, or fireworks in our very special spot.  No twizzlers, tea, or beefsticks this year.  He needs a dog sitter so he can go out of town, and in my mind of course that is with someone, or to visit someone.  I have some other plans in the works to kind of help me through the day...........I didn't expect to have a star spangled reminder hiding  in the bathroom, VERY upset because she does NOT like the Fourth of July.  Honestly it would be kinder at this point for him to just stick a knife right through my heart and be done with it.

Yes, I am aware, very aware, that I could have said no.  Then I wouldn't get to spend time with Sam.  Shoot, I really thought I had a handle on this crap.  I can do this.  Seems like maybe the universe is telling me I have to.  I just have to make it through this one day and maybe then I'll be home free.  Even though it's the big one.  I'll look at it as Sam coming to give me her comfort, like she always does, have lots of plans available..........watch a Capital Fourth and forget the fireworks this year. 

I am hard on myself I know, so I should actually mention that I've made some progress, shown some actual interest in a few other people, and if a certain bee charmer were free.........well.........things would be different.  It is what it is, and I will make the best of it.  You know me, it's what I do.

Nightmare on Hughitt

No, this is not another neighbor blog. :)  The new neighbors, while heavy of foot, have been pretty good so far.  The new owners over at Hillbilly Hollow are great too!  This is about an actual dream I had two nights ago.  I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was afraid it would return.  When I was a child I had a recurring nightmare, but never as an adult........ and it didn't come back, for that I am grateful! (wait I'm just remembering the T-Rex ripping off the roof of the house dream....that one has recurred as an adult.... I know....I'm cracked)

This dream seemed to have a lot of symbolism in it for me.  A good bit of my tired brain working through everything that's been thrown at it lately.  I remember every second of this dream.

I was with a guy I used to date long ago, and he had a foreign lady with him, dressed in Indian garb I believe.  They had to catch a flight, he was helping her get back to her country so he wasn't going to visit long.  It was dark and damp and foggy, creepy and eerie and then suddenly they were gone and I was alone calling for him.  There was a payphone, but of course when I go to use it to call for help I can't dial it right. 

Scene switches to me sitting on my couch.  Loud knock on neighbors door, and I notice that my own door is slightly ajar (now this part of the dream I have actually had before) I go to shut it and this man crashes through the door, obviously to do me some sort of harm.  Again, I yell for the guy I used to date, but I am alone, and I have to do something.  I end up clobbering this man over the head with a piece of pottery and running out the back door.

Scene switches and I'm back to the damp wet creepy place from the beginning of the dream.  Another man is chasing me, and I know he means to kill me.  Suddenly I'm in a bright room, and there is my Mom.  The man takes a sword and means to run it right through her.  I grab the blade and turn it, then....with the help of a woman who suddenly appears at my side I stick it right through his neck.  Of course he keeps coming for me and I slice his head off.

Everything disappears.  Its like I'm in a huge field in the dark of night and the clouds are boiling overhead.  Suddenly my conscious self is able to think.  "Oh shit, this is not good.  WAKE UP!"  Nothing.  "You have to wake up NOW.  WAKE UP, WAKE UP!"  still nothing.  Now I'm panicking.  My brain must have thought that I was still a child/teen and I said "Call for Katie, she'll hear you screaming, and she'll wake you up."  So in my dream I started screaming my sisters name over and over.  Still nothing.  Then slowly I feel myself waking, and I scream louder, until I do succeed in waking myself up.....looking, of course, immediately for my sister.  Then realizing I was home, and safe, and yeah........I was awake for awhile after that.

So what have I learned from analyzing my dream?  Not a thing I don't already know.  I never feel I can count on men.  Period.  I am capable of saving my own bacon, very capable actually, but I'm seriously tired of having to.  I knew the payphone wouldn't work, or I wouldn't be able to work it before I even tried it in the dream.  The only one who can help me, is me.

I would have done anything, anything to save my Mom......and btw the woman in the dream who helped me was an angel, the only one who could and probably did help me help her in real life.  The dark rolling sky?  Could be judgement day, could be fears of the future, that one is confusing.....but it terrified me enough to be able to become a conscious part of the dream.  Who did I call for when I really needed help?  Who did I count on to save me?  My sister.  Well that's a no brainer there.  Am I missing anything?  Any dream analyzers out there feel free to chime in.  ;)

Embraceable You

This post promises to be odd and random, as I'm feeling pretty odd and random at the moment.  On my sisters' chart at the hospital her name read dor.c  ( or dork if you prefer) her husband got a huge kick out of that, and I'm sure both of us will use that ammo in the future.  She is, after all, a dork.  She will freely admit it.  I encouraged her in a facebook post to embrace it.  You are who you are, and accepting that and embracing it is one of life's biggest lessons.

I am...... not a dork.  *grin*  I am also not a nerd.  Nor am I a hipster, my cousin Melanie's favorite term.  I'm just me, pushing the limits of who I think I am, trying to....... trying to what?  Drive myself crazy more than likely.  Oh, yeah, grow.  That's it. Grow as a person.  That must be why it hurts so much.  Growing pains.  Ah ha!  I knew if I blogged it out I would figure out what's going on.

Apparently my youngest niece (Tater) just crashed a neighborhood grad party.  The bouncy house was too hard to resist.  Now that I'm finished laughing, I will say YOU GO GIRL!  That is what I'm trying to do.  Crash the party, bounce in the house, LIVE! 

As an old bee charmer once told me.......... I ROCK! ♥  (and I intend to embrace that)

Home ♥

A little bit of Motley Crue is running through my tired brain  ♫ Home Sweet Home ♫.  I keep forgetting that all of my followers on here aren't "friends" on Facebook, so I forget to update on the important things sometimes.  My sister's surgery went very well, and she and Tom got home early this morning.  They even swung by the daycare with a caramel pecan roll from Tobie's for me, and it was even still sort of warm!  Great way to start the day, sweets, and knowing that I could just come home to my Milkie, a hot bath, and my own bed after work.  With the added bonus of not sharing a laptop with a 14 year old. :)

I tell you, I am so grateful to Ashlyn for staying with me and babysitting CeCe while I was at work, but yesterday when I got home to the teenager on the computer, Journey (of all things) blaring from the stereo, and the dog and both kids staring at me for food and entertainment, I felt EVERY one of my forty one years.  I fished around for some dinner and got that going, got the laundry together, visited with Ash while I played a bit with Ce, while the music still blared.  The kids ate and then Ce was so messy that instead of kicking Ash off the comp and eating I put my dinner aside in favor of bath time for Cierra.  Ok, I was pretty well drenched myself by the end of it.

Then I sat down to check email and eat my own dinner, and like an old curmudgeon made the kid turn off the tunes.  "I just need a few minutes Ash."  Which translated into Ashlyn walking back and forth behind me while booting around her soccer ball, talking to me about random things that I didn't even hear.  I finished that up and gave the comp back over.  Went in to read to CeCe before putting her to bed, and promptly fell SOUND asleep on the couch when she ditched me for Blue's Clues.  I woke myself up snoring, and the teen ager was leaning in from the other room to see if that was in fact me sawing logs.

After settling Cierra in bed Ashlyn set up Monopoly and my winning streak continued.  Best line of the night, courtesy of Ash: "I OWN that B.O!  :)   Funniest moment?  Cierra falling asleep on the floor by the door, and my having to scoot it open.  I even banged on it yelling her name, but she snored on.  I ended up laying on the floor, shoving the door open enough to get my arm through and then pushing her away from the door enough to slip the rest of me in and put her in bed.  Ash was a big help, standing there laughing her head off. :)

So it's over.  My sister is well and home.  The surgery went well and she doesn't have to go back until December to have an angeogram to look at things again.  I am snuggled up back in my cozy apartment.  Where I intend to vegetate until tomorrow.  Then we'll do the Friday thing (deck party at the Shack!) and then I intend to do some heavy duty veging over the weekend!  Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support!!