A Dark Foggy Night

Yesterday I revisited the scene of the WORST coffee date ever. At least I hope that is how I will remember it, I certainly don't wish to top it. I had forgotten some of the finer points until I sat laughing about it with Vicki and Kate and a cup of tea just a few booths away from where it happened. Perkins didn't make much on our four hour gab fest last night, but it was a great time!

I have to go back a few years for this one. It was either early March or late Feb of 2007. My divorce had been final for over a month, and this was my second foray out into the coffee date universe. His name was Pete, he lives in Duluth, and we agreed after a few chats on the phone to meet for coffee at Perkins in Superior.

Online dating tip #1 Meet fairly quickly face to face. It's not good to get too attached over the internet and /or phone. Even if you see a pic, sometimes you still don't "gel" face to face. MORE IMPORTANTLY and the key to this particular coffee date, the pictures could be old and the subject is more in the background.

Now, I am not a snob. Really, I'm not. I do expect a few things on a first date however. Please dress cleanly and try not to wear sweats. Uh, and hair washing is NOT optional.

Online dating tip #2 Always meet somewhere neutral, and very public. Try to avoid dark foggy evenings if possible. At this point he does not need to know where you live.

So, we agree to meet at Perkins at a certain time and when I arrive there I notice a guy getting out of a MN car like the one he described as being his. I park quickly next to the car, hop out of mine and call "PETE"! It's windy and he doesn't hear me as he enters the building. Remember it's dark, and all I am seeing is him from behind.

I scurry along against the sleety wind and rush into the bright lights of Perkins, but nobody is standing there. The hostess station is also empty, so I proceed forward looking around for Mr. Pete. No one looks semi-familiar. Hmmmm.... a hostess approaches me and I say "I'm looking for someone, who just came in ahead of me." As we turn around to head the other direction to look, there he is. DUN DUN DUM I feel a gasp escape my lips before I can stop it. "Please tell me he didn't hear it!" runs through my head. I am shuddering now just thinking about him standing there. The thoughts were flying through my mind. "Run for it!" "Don't be rude!" "It's ok, it's just coffee!" "You can do this!" "No, I really can't!" "Help!!" "Oh, Mother don't fail me now."

So, I put on my best "Ruthie" smile and say hello.

The hostess seats us, and I'm making whatever inane small talk one makes in this kind of situation. So I order my coffee, and he orders DINNER. Just great. Not only does he order dinner, but he begins to try and haggle the price of his dinner with the waitress, at Perkins. "Please don't think I'm with him." "Please don't think I'm with him."

More small talk, and flirty talk from him. I'm trying not to gag, wondering how in the hell to get out of this. He is wearing sweats, his nails are dirty, teeth are yellow, and his hair....what there is of it, pieces are missing all over, is filthy. At some point he excuses himself to use the bathroom. I calculate how long it would take him to pee and how fast I can run to my car. Do I want him to run out into the dark foggy night after me? NO! My mother's voice is telling me I was raised better than that, so I stay put.

He returns, eats his dinner, complains about it, about the price, blah blah blah. I'm panicking the whole time about the walk to the cars. So we pay, and off we go into the dark foggy night. Of course there are NO other people in the lot. I make sure to put distance between us, and am light and chatty. We get to the cars and I thank him for the evening (mother again) and he leans in to kiss me. YES, he did. What in God's name ever gave him the slightest idea THAT was alright is beyond me. I thought fast, and swooped forward and hugged him. It is the best defense for something like that. Not a romantic hug, but a good ol bear hug. They don't expect it, then you pull back fast and move like hell! I was yapping about having a good time, thanks, yadda, yadda, yadda, in my car and gone in 5 seconds.

I remember checking the mirror all the way home to make sure he wasn't behind me. Called my sister and she had a good laugh. I was too traumatized to think it was funny then! This was before I had a cell phone. Cell phones are essential for online dating. I would have called Kate or ANYONE while he was in the bathroom and had them call back in 5 min with an emergency. That is tip #3. Always have an "out"!