Crazy Lady On John Avenue

What a glorious day!  When I finished work at five I headed straight home, changed, tossed my hair up in a pony, slapped on my shades, and headed out for a walk!  I love my first walk of "spring".  Listening to the quiet winter neighborhood waking up, smelling that muddy new spring smell, the sound of the water gurgling along the streets from the melting snow banks.  My ears straining to hear the kids joyous shouts while they play those crazy kid games, roller blades scraping along the sidewalks, and the sounds of basketballs thumping in driveways.

I heard all of these things within the first few blocks of my walk, and I was waltzing along to their tune when I saw her coming.  From a block away I thought she was a man.  Then I noticed something behind her.  Is that a dog?  It couldn't be, it's behind her.  Wait no, that's an older lady..........and a bear!  Ok, a huge dog.  As we got closer the lady moved to the side and the dog came forward, right to me in fact.  I froze.  Certainly not out of fear, I'm not afraid of big dogs, and I am smart enough to tell which ones to approach and which ones to give wide berth. 

The sweet old girl  (Her name in fact IS Girl) ambled up to me with the exact old hip gait that my Sam had.  While she was bigger, and some thinner, with short hair instead of long, she was the same mix with the same ears, and the same whiskey colored eyes.  Somehow I kept it together and the lady was a talker, so I found out that she is also 13, the Same age Sam was last fall before........ 

So after chatting and lots of petting  (She also did the same roll on the belly, hit me with her paw thing Sammy would do to me.)  we went our separate ways.  I was no longer smiling.  I was angry, I wanted my dog and I felt like throwing the worlds biggest hissy fit, right there on John Avenue.  I needed to scream,  jump around, and smash something.   Cue the inner voice:  YOU CAN'T DO THAT, CRAZY PEOPLE DO THAT, AND THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU AWAY.   So I continued walking, but could feel the tears. DO NOT CRY.  IT'S GOING TO BE AN UGLY, GUT WRENCHING SOBBING THING, AND THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU AWAY.   So I continued walking, and tried to concentrate on my breathing, but it wasn't working.  GO HOME, GO HOME NOW.  So I did.

I had left my car parked on the street so it would be easier to carry my laundry basket inside, so I got into it to put it in the garage.  Instead I sat in it, yelling obscenities loudly. :)  That helped a little til it triggered tears, so I quit. 

I came in the house, had a good cry, and went into comfort mode.  Hot bath, good book, and a nap.  I woke up at EIGHT p.m.  Now I"m eating eggs and blogging the rest of it out of my system.  Although it never goes away.  I miss all of them so much, and have had several reminders this past week of the terrible trio.  The other things just brought a bittersweet smile, but this one tipped it.  Toddlers definitely have the right idea.  Throw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming til you just can't anymore.  It doesn't solve anything, but I bet you feel a whole lot better inside.  Even if they do take you away. :)

Thankful

One of my facebook friends is posting something she is thankful for during every day of November, so I thought I would jump on that bandwagon.  A few of my friends have started doing it too, and it will be interesting to see what we all come up with.

I'm going to try really hard not to make any sarcastic thankful picks.  I will turn it into a positive statement if it kills me, and let me tell you, it might.

I really need to change my attitude, and hopefully this will help.  So here are the things I picked so far.

Day One:  I'm thankful that Sam's ashes are home, and for the part of her life that I was able to share.

Day Two: I'm thankful for good neighbors.   Yes, coming from me that might seem odd.  It isn't a sarcastic comment.  I do have a great neighbor, and have had some good ones too.  I have had enough bad ones to appreciate them when they aren't.  When I got home today there was a card in my mailbox, just addressed to "Jo" so I knew someone had put it there.  My first thought? "What fresh hell is this?"  What I found was a card from my neighbor and her kids.  Just a little note to say they are thinking of me, and that they are sorry for my loss, and will always remember "fluffy" Sam.  Very sweet, and very unexpected.

Sweetie Girl

If you follow my blog, then you know that this gorgeous dog is Sam. Nothing I could write at the moment could do justice to what I'm feeling, but I need to say something.

The Brown Eyed Man and I had to put her to sleep today.  It was a hard thing to do, to say good-bye to such a sweet, loving, and giving girl, but it was time.  I was blessed to have had her in my life for the four years that I did, and blessed to be with her as she took her last breath.  I owed her that.  She is the thing that literally kept me sane after I lost both of my cats, my relationship, and the looming job loss last fall.  She was my peace, and my comfort, until I got strong enough to stand on my own again.  Always loving, and of course, bossing me around.  She was absolutely the best dog I have ever known.  Probably the best one I will ever know.

When Sam was with me, right from the beginning, we were always together.  We would spend a lot of time sitting on the front steps just watching the world go by.  I would talk, and she would listen.  Somehow just being with her could erase the pain.  She always knew when you needed her.  It was funny how sometimes he would come to pick her up and she would be glad to see him, but when it was time to go, she wouldn't.  She would come and sit by me and look at him as if to say "Not yet Papa, she needs me."  Then other times she couldn't get out the door fast enough, because she was his peace and comfort too.

I felt so sad watching him walk away this afternoon, without her.  Knowing that he had to go and face that empty house, alone.  I know what that's like, and it about did me in.  Of course Sam came to stay and made it better.

I will miss her so much, but I know it was the right thing to do, and the right time to do it.  She's in a much better place, running free with Hunter and Sadie, and guarding her water dish from Pepper.  Misty?  Well, even in heaven she probably still wont have anything to do with Sam. 

Thank you my Sweetie Girl, for everything you have done for me, and been to me.  I love you so much, and I will always cherish the years that we had together.  Thank you Leon, for letting me be a part of her life, sharing her with me, and allowing me to be there with her today.  You will never know how much it meant.

Good night puppy.   ♥ Mama

Oh My Sam

Oh my Sam..........  That's what I say to Sam when we're all lovey.  It's said in a gooey voice that you don't need, or want to hear.  I say it to Milkie too,  Oh my Milk...... they both love it and come a runnin'.  As much as Sam can run these days.  Although the other night when we were outside and a firework went off she moved faster than I've seen in the last year to get back inside!

Which brings us to the fireworks.......well no.  Our visitation excitement actually started with tic removal two hours after she got here.  Ugh.  Then Friday we had huge storms in the area.  I got home as soon as I could to find water all over the bedroom floor from the open window, a wild eyed dog, and a cat who wouldn't come out from under the bed.  Sam was so upset that I sat on the floor and brushed her, while singing to Milkie coaxing her out from under the bed.  There was an F2 tornado about 30 miles from here that night.  Bad storms.

Then Sat evening around eight Sam and I went outside so she could do her business.  We came back into the kitchen, and when I turned around to give her a bone she had blood all over her muzzle.  Luckily I do not faint at the sight of blood, and I kick into action mode when something like that happens.  So I wiped it up and figured out that she had a little bloody nose.  It stopped fairly quickly.  I have to say, I get nervous being the custodial parent for the old dog on occasion.  We all know it's coming, and while on one hand I want to be with her because I feel I will handle it better for her, I can't imagine what it will do to me.  So anyway, we get things squared away, I think about calling Leon, but decide to wait.  Then of course the neighborhood fireworks start, which she hates, and we have a wild rest of the night of pacing, etc.  It stopped around one.

Sunday it was all good, no blood, no thunder, and some fireworks that stopped around midnight.

Monday it was so hot in here that Sam laid on the kitchen floor in front of the fan a good part of the day.  I took her out around eight again, thinking she might want to lay in the cool grass, but no way.  She did her business and we headed back in.  I went in and took a shower, and when I came out there she was, lying in front of the fan, with her nose in a small pool of blood.  Yeah......I didn't handle it as well that time.  Lying on the floor almost in tears, dripping wet, cradling her head in my lap with paper towel, screaming in my head for Leon.  It took a little longer to stop this time.  You wont believe this, but somehow he heard me.  Just as things were settling down the cell started ringing his tone.  I have no idea what he wanted, except maybe to tell me he was almost back home.  He said hello and I said THANK GOD, and let myself go into full panic mode.

So we talked it through and he was going to come and get her, but then when I calmed down I decided I wanted her with me since he had to work today anyway.   I know he's close by if I need him, so it's all good now.

This morning Leon talked to the vet, who isn't overly concerned.  "She wants you to look in her nose and her mouth for an injury, then buy me lunch and rotate my tires."  Yeah..... I'm not looking in her mouth.  She definitely wont let me if something is really there.  So we will check her out when he gets here after work, and take it from there.  Apparently it's a common thing this time of year, although I've never seen that happen with a dog before.

That brings me to the fireworks.  Three houses around here started well before ten, and then continued after the city fireworks, which I had no idea were so loud here.  No wonder every time we came home from them Sam was in the bathroom!  Milkie could not be coaxed from under the bed, and Sam varied between following me, hiding under the desk, and hiding in the bathroom.  The firework nonsense stopped around 3 am.  Sam went out at 4am and 6:30 am.  We are both very wild eyed and slow moving today!  Thank God I'm on vacation.   Oh my Sam.......

Meanderings

I don't have a good title, and I don't really have a good blog idea. I'm sick with a cough and a fever, so this might not be too coherent. :) I just need to write something, anything! You see, this is blog number99! I can't very well write blog 100 if I don't have a 99.

Work, other than the latest plague, is good. I am so loving having my own class again. There have been a couple of bumpy parts, as there will be when you find your place with a new group of people, but I am lucky to have Tom with me, and now Anna has joined the staff in the baby room, so I have good friends around me. My own "clique" if you will.

The doings in Madison have sickened and saddened me, but they have woken me up to the importance of voting, no matter how equal the candidates appear. I will be there in April to vote against the old school fix for our city's financial problems, and to vote in a state Supreme Court Justice who will vote to overturn this Walker democrazy business. From now on my voice will be heard, even if it doesn't make a noticeable difference.

On the personal front....... I'm just plugging along. I've had dinner in the country, we've had dinner in town. Sam gets passed from house to house and it works well. For now, for me, it works. I still have no interest in dating. I'm liking the life I'm carving out for Milky and myself. I keep thinking that maybe in the spring I'll be ready to start over in that department. We'll see. Technically spring is in two weeks, but I mean real spring here, and that's months away for us yet.

My last blog on politics evidently irritated my little brother, as he has been harassing me with his wife's facebook account for the last several days. According to my sister it was the "right wing nut" comment. Yeah, I don't take it back. I will NEVER take it back. In fact, wingnut could become a permanent nickname. :)

The rest of the family is good. Ashlyn had an orchestra concert this week and is still 1st chair. I missed this one, but our cousin Val was there and so surprised and proud to see Ash tuning up the orchestra! She's getting ready for two soccer leagues this spring, and the little girls are getting ready for their first soccer experience. TAFKAP is working hard with scouts. He just received a bobcat badge, and I hope to see his pinewood derby at the end of the month. Cierra just had conferences at school. They love her, and take good care of her. What more could you ask? She has been communicating a lot more with me when I hang out with her, and that's good to see. (non verbal, but none the less)

Hmmm.... what else? Milkie is good, she wants to play right now so I best get going. Sammy has a bacterial infection on her belly and she's on meds for that, which she loves, because it means getting a pb SAMwich twice a day! Hopefully they clear this nastiness up, Leon hasn't seen much improvement yet.

I believe my upstairs neighbors are stomping their own grapes to make wine. This thought occurred to me at about 5am when I was awoken yet again....... please remember it was also fever induced.

Northern Wisconsin can be a pretty ho- hum place to live. Nothing exciting ever happens, other than the occasional blizzard, which we haven't even had this year. However, I'll keep the 20 below, spring that usually means weeks of nonstop rain, and the cooler by the lake summers. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Japan. When I watch the news my brain can't even comprehend the reality of what it's seeing.

The Milk Report

Hey man..... I am so baked! My Aunt Katy sent over some primo catnip, in the shape of a cigar, and I just can not get enough. My Mom thought I was dead at one point because I kind of became one with the floor. She should get some catnip of her own and lighten up!

It's good to relax. I had a visitor this week, Sam that stinky dog. The door opened and in she marched. I took one look at her and said, "Not YOU again." "Ugh," came her reply "Are you STILL here?" Sam was here Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I thought she'd never leave! That damn dog takes up way too much of Mom's attention, and she eats my food. I had to forgo several of my naps to sit on my rocking chair and keep an eye on her every move. I overheard a discussion about Sam being company for me, bah.... I'll take my catnip cigar any day! That dog is welcome to the country home and her Papa. Although I did like playing with him last night. Don't tell him that though, I have a rep to protect!

Peace, man.

Stay tuned Milk fans!

Visitation

People love to ask me the nosy question, "Why don't you have any kids?" My standard answer? "I've never met the man I wanted to share joint custody with." This is only partially a joke. I could not see myself willingly letting a child go off with any of the men I've been in a relationship with. I don't know if that's an issue with me being controlling and overly protective, or a commentary on the quality of the men I've dated. *shrug* Perhaps a little of both in some cases.

I have my own little version of joint custody going on with Sam the dog. I haven't seen her since Super Bowl Sunday, and I get lonely for her from time to time. Leon says I can have her whenever I want, so I exercised my custody rights and picked her up last night. She was out in the yard when I pulled up, and she looked so surprised! She was so happy that she even ran a little bit when I came running up the driveway to her. Running for Sam Sam is a BIG deal. Her get up and go has definitely got up and went. We hugged and went inside for dinner. Bistro something or another for her, homemade chili for me!

Now Sam can be particular when it comes time to stay or go. Sometimes she goes running home with Leon, sometimes she refuses to go. We let her choose, because really, what does it matter? She has never refused to come home with me when I've gone out to the country, but there could always be a first time I suppose, so I brought her nail clippers with me, just in case she didn't want to come. I'm always the one who gets the fun jobs. Nails, brushing, ear medicine, etc. After I finished my dinner I went to my purse and said, "I have something for you!" She thumped her tail excitedly exactly twice. Then it went dead, because she saw what I had in my hand. She still loves me though (she doesn't know we aren't finished clipping) and did decide she wanted to "go for a ride."

It did my heart good to see her so happily marching behind me out to my car. She sat so proud and tall in the back seat, excited to go for a ride, and the only place we go together is my house or hers, so she knew we were going home. Home to Ms. Milkie, who did not appear too thrilled to see Samantha darkening her doorstep again. Sam wasn't amused either. Some days they barely tolerate each other, but no matter what they are still company for the other. Sam kind of liked coming here to escape from the Milkster, and the look of betrayal on her face when Milkie came to live with me was priceless. She still loves me though, because she's a dog, not a cat, and I'm her Mama. :)

Coping

This isn't a planned out blog, so I guess we'll see where it goes. As you all know, I have had a full plate the last two months. Everything in my life has changed. The only daily familiarities now will be the car I drive and the place I live. The car may be trying to leave too......but it would be nice if she could hang out until summer. For someone who HATES change, this is certainly a life lesson.

This gorgeous dog is Sam. She is my "peace", and my therapy at the moment. When I contacted Leon about Misty being put to sleep he asked what he could do to help. I asked for Sam, and she's been here with me ever since. I'm kind of hoping he gets amnesia and forgets where she went, but that isn't going to happen. :) I think though that she'll be able to visit me through the cold months because when she's in the country she has to be an outside dog. Leon is gone too long for work for this old dogs badder. She does really well with "joint custody". She's happy to be here with me, and doesn't do the mope thing so I assume she isn't homesick yet. Leon has visited her/us twice so it isn't like she hasn't seen him. If only for a short time. She honestly knows that I need her. I can't explain it, but she knows.

Leon calls Sam "The Love Dog" and that is the best way to describe her. She likes peace and harmony, and if people get hyper (me) or voices get raised even a little she gets right in the middle and stares at you. I hesitate to call her my "soul mate" lol but she and I have a very very strong bond. I have, and have had several other dogs in my life and they were just family pets. I loved them sure, but I wasn't overly attached to them.

As I mentioned before, Sam is no puppy. She is somewhere between 11 and 13 from what I can figure. No, he doesn't know. He'll tell you she's 18 and that can not be true. First of all, no matter how old she is, for a large dog she's ancient. I've noticed that just in the time we were apart she sleeps a lot harder. When I come in the front door she doesn't always greet me if she's in the back. The first day this happened I literally almost had a heart attack. I opened the door, no dog. (this is what happened when I came home to Misty) My heart starts to race. I yell out "Sammy!" No dog. I start to get dizzy, my mind was racing, and my tummy turned over. I'm now running through the dining room as she comes around the corner and out my bedroom door, groggily. Now I'm on the floor hugging her and crying. Geez. Yes, that would have been the point where I "dropped my basket" and some "nice young men in their clean white coats" would have been "coming to take me away!"

I think Sam is going home tomorrow. So I'll be praying for below zero temps. :) Sorry everyone. You know it's gonna happen anyway, so don't blame me. Leon is still hoping that I will take the cat (Milky) but it just isn't the same. She would be company though, so I am still considering it.