Finally!

You know, I think I've got this!  Sam was dropped off about an hour ago, and while it is so good to see her, and was nice to visit with the Brown Eyed Man, the pain is gone.  Absolutely gone.  It isn't that I don't care anymore, it's the acceptance that I have been waiting so long for.  I have my "power" back.  That thing that makes me uniquely me.  If you know me, you know what I mean.  I am firmly on my throne and in control.  It's my mojo baby!  ha...... I can hear the Austin Powers music in the background.  Yes, there will still be bumps, but I've got this.  Finally.  It's about stinking time!

In my last post I talked about how much it hurt that the fourth was coming and I would have Sam, but nothing else, but you know what?  I think that was the last of it passing, the final letting go.  As the Wisconsin motto reads.  "On Forward!"  (Thanks for that one Kerri.....and the rest of the kind words.  You are an amazing woman also, and an amazing friend ♥)

In other news, apparently Milkie's former owner has gotten herself two kittens.  So......does the apartment she lives in now suddenly allow pets?  Leon said, "You know Mom, no one tells her no."  I then straightened myself and said. "I beg to differ.  I did.  I told her she would get Milkie back over my dead body, and I meant it."  Both of us grinned, and  I then continued with the statement that when she decides those two are inconvenient.........don't even ask me.  I'm not taking on any kittens!!

Star Spangled Sam

Apparently in the world of dog custody, the Fourth of July belongs to me.  Now normally I would be all excited that Sammy was coming to stay for a long weekend, and I really am glad down deep somewhere, but the welling up of feeling is kind of blocking that right now.

You see, the Fourth of July is when Leon and I really started our relationship.  So the last three 4ths have been pretty darn special, although he was never aware until I reminded him.  He's that kind of guy.  So I will give him the benefit of the doubt on that part of it. 

So once again here I am, all "I've got this.  I'm over it.  It's all good.  Look at me, I'm so special."  Then I get an email that just says Sam.  So of course first off I think something has happened to Sam.  Then I read it, and something happens to me.  I'm crushed.  I knew there weren't going to be any bonfires, or fireworks in our very special spot.  No twizzlers, tea, or beefsticks this year.  He needs a dog sitter so he can go out of town, and in my mind of course that is with someone, or to visit someone.  I have some other plans in the works to kind of help me through the day...........I didn't expect to have a star spangled reminder hiding  in the bathroom, VERY upset because she does NOT like the Fourth of July.  Honestly it would be kinder at this point for him to just stick a knife right through my heart and be done with it.

Yes, I am aware, very aware, that I could have said no.  Then I wouldn't get to spend time with Sam.  Shoot, I really thought I had a handle on this crap.  I can do this.  Seems like maybe the universe is telling me I have to.  I just have to make it through this one day and maybe then I'll be home free.  Even though it's the big one.  I'll look at it as Sam coming to give me her comfort, like she always does, have lots of plans available..........watch a Capital Fourth and forget the fireworks this year. 

I am hard on myself I know, so I should actually mention that I've made some progress, shown some actual interest in a few other people, and if a certain bee charmer were free.........well.........things would be different.  It is what it is, and I will make the best of it.  You know me, it's what I do.

Nightmare on Hughitt

No, this is not another neighbor blog. :)  The new neighbors, while heavy of foot, have been pretty good so far.  The new owners over at Hillbilly Hollow are great too!  This is about an actual dream I had two nights ago.  I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was afraid it would return.  When I was a child I had a recurring nightmare, but never as an adult........ and it didn't come back, for that I am grateful! (wait I'm just remembering the T-Rex ripping off the roof of the house dream....that one has recurred as an adult.... I know....I'm cracked)

This dream seemed to have a lot of symbolism in it for me.  A good bit of my tired brain working through everything that's been thrown at it lately.  I remember every second of this dream.

I was with a guy I used to date long ago, and he had a foreign lady with him, dressed in Indian garb I believe.  They had to catch a flight, he was helping her get back to her country so he wasn't going to visit long.  It was dark and damp and foggy, creepy and eerie and then suddenly they were gone and I was alone calling for him.  There was a payphone, but of course when I go to use it to call for help I can't dial it right. 

Scene switches to me sitting on my couch.  Loud knock on neighbors door, and I notice that my own door is slightly ajar (now this part of the dream I have actually had before) I go to shut it and this man crashes through the door, obviously to do me some sort of harm.  Again, I yell for the guy I used to date, but I am alone, and I have to do something.  I end up clobbering this man over the head with a piece of pottery and running out the back door.

Scene switches and I'm back to the damp wet creepy place from the beginning of the dream.  Another man is chasing me, and I know he means to kill me.  Suddenly I'm in a bright room, and there is my Mom.  The man takes a sword and means to run it right through her.  I grab the blade and turn it, then....with the help of a woman who suddenly appears at my side I stick it right through his neck.  Of course he keeps coming for me and I slice his head off.

Everything disappears.  Its like I'm in a huge field in the dark of night and the clouds are boiling overhead.  Suddenly my conscious self is able to think.  "Oh shit, this is not good.  WAKE UP!"  Nothing.  "You have to wake up NOW.  WAKE UP, WAKE UP!"  still nothing.  Now I'm panicking.  My brain must have thought that I was still a child/teen and I said "Call for Katie, she'll hear you screaming, and she'll wake you up."  So in my dream I started screaming my sisters name over and over.  Still nothing.  Then slowly I feel myself waking, and I scream louder, until I do succeed in waking myself up.....looking, of course, immediately for my sister.  Then realizing I was home, and safe, and yeah........I was awake for awhile after that.

So what have I learned from analyzing my dream?  Not a thing I don't already know.  I never feel I can count on men.  Period.  I am capable of saving my own bacon, very capable actually, but I'm seriously tired of having to.  I knew the payphone wouldn't work, or I wouldn't be able to work it before I even tried it in the dream.  The only one who can help me, is me.

I would have done anything, anything to save my Mom......and btw the woman in the dream who helped me was an angel, the only one who could and probably did help me help her in real life.  The dark rolling sky?  Could be judgement day, could be fears of the future, that one is confusing.....but it terrified me enough to be able to become a conscious part of the dream.  Who did I call for when I really needed help?  Who did I count on to save me?  My sister.  Well that's a no brainer there.  Am I missing anything?  Any dream analyzers out there feel free to chime in.  ;)

Embraceable You

This post promises to be odd and random, as I'm feeling pretty odd and random at the moment.  On my sisters' chart at the hospital her name read dor.c  ( or dork if you prefer) her husband got a huge kick out of that, and I'm sure both of us will use that ammo in the future.  She is, after all, a dork.  She will freely admit it.  I encouraged her in a facebook post to embrace it.  You are who you are, and accepting that and embracing it is one of life's biggest lessons.

I am...... not a dork.  *grin*  I am also not a nerd.  Nor am I a hipster, my cousin Melanie's favorite term.  I'm just me, pushing the limits of who I think I am, trying to....... trying to what?  Drive myself crazy more than likely.  Oh, yeah, grow.  That's it. Grow as a person.  That must be why it hurts so much.  Growing pains.  Ah ha!  I knew if I blogged it out I would figure out what's going on.

Apparently my youngest niece (Tater) just crashed a neighborhood grad party.  The bouncy house was too hard to resist.  Now that I'm finished laughing, I will say YOU GO GIRL!  That is what I'm trying to do.  Crash the party, bounce in the house, LIVE! 

As an old bee charmer once told me.......... I ROCK! ♥  (and I intend to embrace that)

Home ♥

A little bit of Motley Crue is running through my tired brain  ♫ Home Sweet Home ♫.  I keep forgetting that all of my followers on here aren't "friends" on Facebook, so I forget to update on the important things sometimes.  My sister's surgery went very well, and she and Tom got home early this morning.  They even swung by the daycare with a caramel pecan roll from Tobie's for me, and it was even still sort of warm!  Great way to start the day, sweets, and knowing that I could just come home to my Milkie, a hot bath, and my own bed after work.  With the added bonus of not sharing a laptop with a 14 year old. :)

I tell you, I am so grateful to Ashlyn for staying with me and babysitting CeCe while I was at work, but yesterday when I got home to the teenager on the computer, Journey (of all things) blaring from the stereo, and the dog and both kids staring at me for food and entertainment, I felt EVERY one of my forty one years.  I fished around for some dinner and got that going, got the laundry together, visited with Ash while I played a bit with Ce, while the music still blared.  The kids ate and then Ce was so messy that instead of kicking Ash off the comp and eating I put my dinner aside in favor of bath time for Cierra.  Ok, I was pretty well drenched myself by the end of it.

Then I sat down to check email and eat my own dinner, and like an old curmudgeon made the kid turn off the tunes.  "I just need a few minutes Ash."  Which translated into Ashlyn walking back and forth behind me while booting around her soccer ball, talking to me about random things that I didn't even hear.  I finished that up and gave the comp back over.  Went in to read to CeCe before putting her to bed, and promptly fell SOUND asleep on the couch when she ditched me for Blue's Clues.  I woke myself up snoring, and the teen ager was leaning in from the other room to see if that was in fact me sawing logs.

After settling Cierra in bed Ashlyn set up Monopoly and my winning streak continued.  Best line of the night, courtesy of Ash: "I OWN that B.O!  :)   Funniest moment?  Cierra falling asleep on the floor by the door, and my having to scoot it open.  I even banged on it yelling her name, but she snored on.  I ended up laying on the floor, shoving the door open enough to get my arm through and then pushing her away from the door enough to slip the rest of me in and put her in bed.  Ash was a big help, standing there laughing her head off. :)

So it's over.  My sister is well and home.  The surgery went well and she doesn't have to go back until December to have an angeogram to look at things again.  I am snuggled up back in my cozy apartment.  Where I intend to vegetate until tomorrow.  Then we'll do the Friday thing (deck party at the Shack!) and then I intend to do some heavy duty veging over the weekend!  Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support!!

Horoscope

Here is today's horoscope for me........


Tuesday, Jun 21st, 2011 -- Blind optimism transforms into enlightened realism today as your big ideas collide with a serious dose of the truth. Others may believe that your new and open perspective is more life-affirming than if you shut down your heart in fear. Don't judge yourself too harshly, for you cannot possibly know what you don't yet know. The most important thing you can do now is to make the best choices in the present moment before moving on.


First of all, it's nice to know that the universe has taken note of my "new and open perspective".   It is absolutely a result of not wanting my heart to shut down because of fear.  I don't really buy the horoscope stuff, but sometimes reading it can be entertaining.  It gives me a laugh, and sometimes it creeps me out.  That creeped me out.  I'm so looking forward to the enlightened realism part...... crap.  Serious doses of truth really suck.  Could we do all that next week please?  I'm kind of busy being new and open, and knee deep in family matters at the moment.

My sister goes in shortly for the second attempt at coiling her aneurysms.  Look at me, that's the first time I've spelt it right!  I've had enough practice typing it.  Hopefully all will go well this time and the doctor will be able to finish the procedure.  I am home, once again, with Cierra.  Today is stay at home Mom day, then Ash is coming over tonight to stay and will be my babysitter for the next few days so I can be "working Mom."  Kid is off to summer school, laundry is done, I think it's time for a nap!

Ear Worm

Maybe I'm unique, but instead of hearing voices in my head (no I do not) I hear music.  Sometimes it's just random songs that get stuck, other times it's only a line from a song.  Like the other night.  I was watching a movie with a friend of mine (Practical Magic) and they made midnight margarita's.  Shoot, now it's back in my head again!  ♫ You put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up ♫  or however it goes.  As soon as I heard it I said.  "Oh no.  Not that song!  Now I'll be singing it for days."  Of course, I am.  I'm singing it right now.

This phenomenon, where you can't get a song out of your head is called an "Ear worm".  I thought it was earwig, but that is a bug, of the pinching variety, that is actually plentiful in the basement of Hawks Hall.  The kids and I would stomp on them all summer long.  Gross, and a staff person actually got pinched by one once and got a swollen arm out of the deal. 

The worst for me is when I wake up with a romantic ballad from the 80's stuck in my head.  It's just randomly in there, and it usually makes me very crabby for the rest of the day.  Or at least until I can find another ear worm to take it's place.  The donkey song usually works, ( Hey ho away we go, riding on a donkey) or the lime mentioned above.

Right now the song "This Kiss" by Faith Hill is practically embedded.  It's also from Practical Magic.  I love that song though, and I love the movie, and....... it's all good.

Pals Part Two

This picture really doesn't do justice to the beauty of this "vase", which is made by Copper Moon Pottery.  My cousin Melanie happens to be half of the Copper Moon, and I bought this from the art fair they (she and Les) were at this past weekend in Cable Wisconsin.  If you happen to be at a festival in Seely Wisconsin on July 9, check them out!  I'm hoping to get back there myself to visit some more.  Although it's a little hard to visit while they are working, but we chat between the customers.  I like to people watch, so it's all good.  They'll also be at the Apple Fest in Bayfield this fall.  Kate's never been to THAT extravaganza, so maybe we'll check it out.  

Kate and I took off on our road trip Sat morning, and spent some quality sista time together, although the side roads I took us on made me horribly car sick.  We took a straight route back and it really was only five minutes longer.  Live and learn.  We had some more Sista time at The Walmart today, although that was not nearly as fun.  Kate goes in for the second attempt at "coiling" her aneurysms in two days.  Hopefully they'll be able to finish the procedure this time.  So yes, I will be playing Mommy Dearest again this week.  I've rooked Ashlyn in on the gig, so she'll be staying with me and getting CC off to summer school in the morning, and babysitting for me when she gets home at noon.  Then Ash and I will have Hot Buttered O's and Monopoly challenges to look forward to after Cierra hits the hay!

Between visiting with Melanie, Les, and my cousin Ray (Melanie's Dad) and some other old pals this week.  It sure feels like a time warp.  It always amazes me that with some people you can pick right up where you left off.  One hug and years just disappear, like you saw the person yesterday.  Also had a good convo with my best friend, and of course my Friday Night Girls.

I went looking for some answers this week.  Part of my "pulling myself up by my bootstraps" and getting on with my life I guess.  Did I find them?  Yes, yes I did.  Were they the answers I was expecting?  Hell no.   HELL no.  Next move?  Not sure, outta my depth on this one.  I know.  Me, out of my depth.  Can you imagine?  ha.  I guess I'm going to follow the quote at the top of the page and roll with it. Once I asked Grandma Ann (foster Grandma at work) if you ever figure it out.  She was 90 at the time.  I think what I said was "Grandma, please tell me that at some point you figure all this out?"  "No honey, you never really do" was her reply.  *big sigh*  Perhaps it's just time to stop trying, and live.

~Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
Hellen Keller

Half Off Thursday

Look at me, blogging in the mid afternoon!  I was able to leave work at 1:30 today, and in a few weeks I will be starting half day Thursdays, probably for the rest of the summer.  WHOOPIE!  Yes, even though this time they're without pay........I.do.not.care.  Just to be able to back off a bit and have an afternoon to waste away, or run errands, or play with the kids, well it's worth whatever has to happen to make it be so.  This doesn't really bode well for my financial plan, but if I end up in the nuthouse it will all be for naught anyway.

I had a long talk last night with a very old friend.  So old that he was my first crush ever.  I think we were seven.  It's funny how people seem to float through your life right when you need them to, with some piece of wisdom that you're looking for.  They're never even aware of how much they are helping.  I think he thought that I thought he was nuts.......but I don't.  I get it Tony, and our chat really did help me make up my mind about some things.  Next time you make it home, we will definitely raise a glass or two!

Hmmmm...... changes are a coming people.  I have always lived my life a certain way, very careful of the other guy, and while I look out for myself, I rarely put my needs/ wants above someone else.  I'm mindful of the things I put out into the universe, so that karma will be kind.  The problem is, karma is not kind, or fair.  There are some things I've wanted to do for myself for quite awhile, and while they aren't going to be "blogable"( I know, some things are still private, imagine that!)  I fully intend to enjoy them, damn the consequences.  Let the evolution begin!

Her Majesty's Throne

Here is my new chair!  Ok, not new exactly, but new to me anyway.  As most of you know, I am only five feet tall.  Chairs usually leave my feet dangling, but this low rider lets me touch my toes to the ground.  It also allows my short legs to curl up and be comfy.  It's the perfect reading spot, tv spot, and it's a straight back, so if I were ever to get a wild crafting hair again I could comfortably crochet, cross stitch, or plastic canvas in it.

The chair is a left over from Fitgers ( the five diamond hotel/motel complex my x was an accountant for) that Steve grabbed onto during a remodel of the facility.  There were two others, and a hide-a-bed up for grabs during the move yesterday, but this chair was all I had room for, or interest in.  Well, I took back my plant stand too.......but that is still sitting in the dining room awaiting a space.  I have to think about it a bit.

My new throne was just going to go into this odd corner I have in the dining room, mostly for looks or an extra seat when family is over, but while moving it through I slid it into this spot to get it out of my way and voila!  Of course Ms. Milk claimed it as her own immediately, which always seems to be the way of cats and new furniture.  She'll never give up her favorite spot by the window though, too much bird activity.  This chair offers me an excellent view of the "hood" and the feeder too, and sometimes I just like to stare out the window and dream....... or plot my world domination.......

It's the perfect throne for me.  One of my favorite colors, perfect fit, size, etc.  It's a little used, and a little worn in places, but still standing proud and tall. 

Pals O' Mine

The theme of this week has been friendship.  Specifically spending time catching up with old and dear friends.  Life gets so busy, sometimes we ( I ) take things like friends for granted.  Hey, they're my friend, they'll always be there when I squeeze out some time...... right?  Well, hopefully that is the case.  I am really trying to do better in this department.

So this week I've had lunch with Darrin, who I haven't seen in a year, although he lives literally two blocks away.  We do chat on facebook or yahoo from time to time, but it isn't the same as sitting down with a frosty mug of A&W Root Beer, that's for sure!  I visited for an hour or so with Leslie, who also lives close, but I just rarely seem to find the time to stop and chat, and now this evening I went to dinner with Nan, who lives in the "cities" but is up this week visiting family.  We reconnected on facebook and have been doing dinners/lunches for about the last year or so, whenever she's in town.  Tomorrow is happy hour, with Lisa, Kerri has something else going on.  Saturday I will help my friend Steve (x hub) move, and see another old friend of ours, Basil, that I rarely get to visit with anymore.  I didn't get him in the divorce. :)

So I'm sitting here wondering what  my point is, if I do in fact have one.  Possibly that friendships are important and we shouldn't neglect them?  Well, perhaps in this day and age it's almost impossible not to.  My best childhood friend and I are horrible at staying connected on a regular basis.  There is an invisible thread that ties us together though, no matter what.  We live very separate lives, but she knows me, the real me, and I know her.  We always pick up like just yesterday we were hanging out at her house, drinking iced tea and playing jarts......... or listening to Quarterflash and playing Space Invaders on Atari. Yes, Atari.  Google it kids.  I'm too tired to explain.

Therapy

Went to therapy today.....  gardening therapy!  Nothing eases my mind and my soul like digging in the dirt.  What a gorgeous summer day.  The temp was about 80, with a nice wind keeping it comfortable.  Barely a cloud dotting the sky.  Just me and my dog in the backyard.  Wait, my dog had to stay home, she isn't feeling well.  It was my sisters dog, Sky.  He's a ding-a-ling, but gets better with age. 

I planted one of the garden beds, and packed it jam full.  I find that way the weeds don't have much of a chance.  Lets see...... tomato, roma tomato, beans, green onion, zucchini, summer squash, and cucumber.  If I had the gumption I could clear the other bed and make it into a pumpkin patch, but it took me two hours the other weekend to clear out just the one.

I mentioned Sam isn't feeling well.  Something is going on with her right hip/foot/leg.  We don't agree on the cause, but she is with Mama to relax and get some bufferin for the stiffness.  I thought I was going to have to hoist the 100 lb dog up the back 5 steps last night, not a good thing.  It took us time, but she finally made it to the top.  We'll go out the front from now on.  She's still moving slow, but not as bad as yesterday. 

So today is a "best day".  I have my dog, my cat is around here somewhere ignoring us, did some reading, did some writing, and got to garden!  I even bought a new English Ivy to grow inside. ( or kill as the case may be)  So now for inside plants I have Phil, a philodendron who's been with me almost 20 years, and Ruthie the Peace Lilly, who just came back home to live with me, and now the English Ivy, that I am calling George.  I find that if I name them that the chance of my remembering they exist goes up dramatically.  Thus I will water them and they shall survive!

The Scoop

A week has gone by since my last post, and you all know that if things had gone well I would have been in here "bubbling" my head off.  I don't mean to say that they didn't go well exactly......

I had a great visit with Dave, and thoroughly enjoyed the company.  Lets just say that I now know that I am far from ready for a relationship.  Ok, to be honest, I already knew that.  I also freely admitted to Dave that I still have feelings for Leon.  I've have been nothing but honest about it.  I guess I just hoped that enough time had gone by for me to move forward, at least a little.  Yeah........ not so much.

I am slightly mortified that someone drove all that way to spend time with me, only to have me close up tight like a clam shell.  I would have helped it if I could have, and I have apologized, and do here apologize again.  When the karma comes around from this one I will know that I deserve it.

Do I regret it?  No.  I don't.  I took a chance, and now I know.  Although I'm a tad concerned that seven months is too long to still feel like this, and also concerned that at this point I would welcome Crazy Catladydom with OPEN arms......maybe after Kate's surgery we'll look into getting Milkie a brother or sister.

Milkie would like me to mention that she did behave herself like the little lady she is.  No biting!  Also that she doesn't want a brother or sister. :)

On a better note, I got two pics back from the X, and they look FABULOUS in my dining room!  I actually met him 20 years ago, yesterday.  I was thinking about that as I helped him move some of his things out of the last home we shared together into the family home that will now be his.  All of the things the two of us have been to each other over the last 20 years, the good times, the bad.......the horrific.  All four of our parents were living when we met, now all four are gone.  The bright eyed CHILD I was at 21 (we all think we're so grown up) and the bright eyed child that I still am......with some bumps and bruises.  I actually got teary eyed driving down the road between the houses at the nostalgia of it all. 

I choose to call it PMS. :)