Time

Time is really a relative thing. If I wear a watch I find myself continually looking at it worrying myself into a frenzy of what needs to be done and by when. Although an occasional glance at the clock is necessary while teaching or we might miss lunch! I'm never late, I'm never early, I'm always on time.

Today Father Time passes the torch to the Baby New Year. The current year has not been overly kind to me. I'm not sad to see it end. (although the summer was mostly awesome) I'm looking forward to the possibilities the new year will bring.

While I don't really believe a date on the calendar can change anything, I do know for certain that time really does heal all wounds. So in that respect "time is on my side." *grin*

Happy New Year dear reader, I do wish you the very best of everything in 2011!

Goovers on Ice

I wish I had brought the camera, but I was afraid that because I was on skates I'd fall on it and smash it to bits. Make no mistake, I can skate, and skate well, but when there are children on ice you never know what's going to happen! Hannah is definitely ready for a pair of skates. When she learns then I can take on teaching Tater the Terror. I don't know how many times that child clunked her head on the ice. They were supposed to be boot skating, but of course she was boot running.

We left the house around 4pm and right as we're heading out the door Caitlin has to go potty. I help her undo the jacket, snow pants, mitts, and send her off with a "You had better make sure you go because we are NOT fooling around with the porta potty at the rink." I look at her sister with a questioning glance. "No Auntie, I don't have to go."

I think this is going to be a three part blog, because there are two other stories that run along side this, and I can't tell it all in one shot. We'll focus on the goovs for now.

So we arrive at the rink and head on into the warming house. The goovers are warned to park it on the bench, no running wild, and they do. Ash and I quickly lace up, the reason why will be in my next blog. Yes, of course, my "creeper" was there. We head on out to the very poorly laid ice, and begin our ice/boot skating adventure!

The girls all seemed to have a good time, although we were back in this house by 5pm. We skated about five minutes when Tater spied the porta potty. "Auntie, I have to go potty really bad!" "No you don't. You just went." Two seconds later. "I really have to go potty NOW!" "Caitlin Ruthmarie, you just want to get a look at the porta potty. You aren't fooling me at all." Five seconds later "Please, I'm going to pee my pants." So I stomped off to the porta potty, as much as you can stomp on ice skates, undid the jacket, snagged the mitts as they fell toward the porta potty floor. EW! Helped her up and shut the door. I made her take her jacket off, it's just too gross to contemplate and it wasn't that cold. When she was done I took her out of the potty to redress her. Evil little....

So we stumble bumble back onto the ice and Tater sees a little boy she knows, so off she goes to torment him for awhile and the rest of us skate. Hannah seemed to do really well balancing on the ice, and it's time she got some new skates and really learned a couple of things. During this time I am continually calling Tater back to us, she's heading off to the shack, the hockey rink, anywhere else she can possibly go.

We took a pic and sent it off to the parents in sunny Las Vegas, and then Caitlin's little friend left. "I wanna go home. I'm tired. I wanna go home. I'm tired." Bah! So we packed it up. When we got to the car Ash and I were talking with Hannah, and Caitlin walked around the other side to get in. Then instead of getting in she sat down hiding. I about had a heart attack when she was suddenly "gone." We were standing not 10 feet from the highway. I raced around the car and there she is grinning at me. She is SO lucky that I am trained not to beat children. I barked at Ashlyn to "Get your sister buckled in." and quickly went to the other side to help Hannah. Caitlin was quiet for awhile, she's no dummy. :)

After a brief stop for milk at the gas station we were back home. It's raining now, so there will be no more outdoor adventures with the goovers. We will be trapped in the house for a couple days. HELP!

End Of An Era

Finally! I am no longer employed by the YMCA. Ok, technically I'm on vacation til the end of the week, but I'm not "working" there any longer! It's a weird feeling, elation mixed with relief, a little sadness, and a bit of apprehension. This is a big step out of my comfort zone! No matter how I feel about working there, it was familiar anyway.

I have given up my full time, full benefit, (including retirement) four week vacation job so that I can do something I love. Mind you, the old job probably wont exist in six months anyway so that's kind of a moot point. It might not look like bettering myself on paper, but believe me, it's for the better. I get to teach again, and it's what I do best. I get to be part of a team, and be surrounded by people with a positive attitude about what they do. I get to be a VALUED employee. Most importantly I can respect the people I work for, and myself for working there, and that's all I have to say about that! :)

Got Milk?

Well, I have gone and done it. Here she is folks, the infamous Got Milk. We call her Milky, or Miss Snooty Pants which really fits her to a T. I would like to change her name, but Milky just really fits her for some reason. I toyed with Molly, or Millie, but they just don't seem to fit.

Leon called yesterday afternoon to tell me they were on the way, and that Milky was in the front seat and NOT happy about it. "Maybe you should bring a box or something out when I get there." Hmmmm..... at the vet they wrap cats in a big towel if they're fractious. I contemplated using the new blanket Ti-Ti got her for Christmas, but Milky is really strong, and has a temper. All I could envision was me in tears, Leon yelling, and Milky running off down the snowy street. So I grabbed an AVON box and hoped for the best. That must have been an interesting car ride, with the unhappy cat in front and the dog in back who couldn't fathom why "that damn cat" was coming along.

Surprisingly it went as smooth as butter. Popped her in the box, scurried quickly into the house and let her out. She was glad to see me, rubbed up all over me, and started to explore. I filled up her new dishes and her new litter box, fed the dog, and settled down on the kitchen floor with both of them. Milky seemed genuinely happy to be here, but Sam was pissed. She moped for about an hour on the kitchen floor after finishing her dinner.

Leon always says Milky hates him, but if he could have seen her desperately trying to follow him and Sam when they left later last night he would know that isn't the case. She sniffed the door, she pawed the door, then she paced the house and kept running back to the door. Everything was o k when we went to bed though. She and I are old friends, and we've shared covers on several occasions. I can already tell that the bottom of the bed on the opposite side is going to be her spot in the house. She claimed it immediately and anytime I look for her that's where she's hanging out.

I had a bit of holiday cooking to do today and every time I was in the kitchen she was playing between my feet. It's nice to have company in the house. However, when I started taking loads to the car she tried like heck every time to get out the back door. :( I don't know if she was trying to run off, or come with. However, she was hiding under the bed when I got back. Poor baby. Gee, wait til next week when I'm gone a night or two and the girls are here a night or two. She'll have her country bags packed and ready to go!

So Milky and I are working on our first goal. Drinking out of the toilet is frowned upon in this establishment! I have to remember to put the seat down EVERY time, because she continually checks. Milky needs to learn that water bowls are the appropriate place to hydrate. :) Wait til she finds out that she's going on a diet! We'll leave that one until she's more settled in.

When I thanked Leon for giving me Milky it went like this: Thanks for giving me the cat...... I think. He laughed. I continued with, "I don't know if she will be my baby, or my nemesis, but she'll be company anyway."

Today she has been great company. It takes my mind off of things for a moment, although honestly there have been a lot of tears shed in the past two days for my kitties. Nothing can, or ever will replace them, but I have space left in my heart and home for Milky.

Blue Christmas

Here's another phrase that I have never really understood until now, being "blue" at Christmas time. I'm not sheltered. I have had loss in my life, and have had to learn how to re-tradition the holidays. I always miss my parents, my Grandma's, Aunt's, Uncle's, etc, etc,etc. There isn't a year that goes by without a tear or two upon hearing "I'll be home for Christmas." Heck, I've even been divorced and had to start my life over.....twice, but I have never felt like this. I have always decorated, found something else to focus on, and somehow dug up some holiday cheer.

I went to a Christmas party tonight with the girls, and some of their guys. It was a fun time, but I am really just going through the motions to please other people. I missed Leon terribly. It wasn't that I needed a partner at the party, I wasn't the only one without someone. I missed HIM being with me. Listening to him joke and talk with Don, his general goofiness, talking about it on the way home, etc etc etc.

When Misty died I turned Christmas over to my sister in law. I was just done. There have been a few brief moments of "Christmas Spirit" for me, but for the most part I just wish it was over. I feel like "Brick" from the show "The Middle". He whispers things under his breath, and I feel like that is what I'm doing every time I choke out Merry Christmas *bah humbug*. Happy Holidays *Go away*.

I was a pretty good girl this year, and I do believe that Santa is going to leave me a present under the gingerbread house. There isn't a tree this year. Milky the cat is coming to live with me tomorrow. Yes, she needs me. * I need her more*

Solitude

The silence was deafening.

I've never really understood that statement until now. I live alone, and I honestly like it. I am a people person, but only to an extent. I like my little cozy comfy home where I can retreat for days without seeing anyone if I wish. I love my own company. Frankly, I think I'm hilarious! I like quiet activities like writing and reading. However, I guess I wasn't technically alone. The "kids" were always here. Sam is sometimes here. While not human company, they are/were needy little buggers who filled the house with life.

Sam left at 9:15 last night. I don't think it was a half hour before it felt like a cold mausoleum in here. So I sat there "shrinking" myself. Are you afraid to be alone? Is that the problem? No. The problem is that I am a caretaker at heart. I need to be needed, or I need to have something to focus on other than myself. Probably more that last one actually. When adults get too needy, like say.....MEN, it is an absolute turn off to me. However, children (hence my job) and animals are allowed.

So I stood at Target for a LONG time staring at litter box liners. Yes, litter box liners. The cat I'm considering adopting uses the old yucky stuff, and the liner seems the easiest way to go. I picked up the box, put it in my cart. Took it out of the cart, put it on the shelf and walked away. Snagged an air mattress for one goover to sleep on next week while I play Mommy for 5 days, and then promptly went back and put the liners in my cart. They were still there at the check out, so apparently I've decided to take the damn cat.

Coping

This isn't a planned out blog, so I guess we'll see where it goes. As you all know, I have had a full plate the last two months. Everything in my life has changed. The only daily familiarities now will be the car I drive and the place I live. The car may be trying to leave too......but it would be nice if she could hang out until summer. For someone who HATES change, this is certainly a life lesson.

This gorgeous dog is Sam. She is my "peace", and my therapy at the moment. When I contacted Leon about Misty being put to sleep he asked what he could do to help. I asked for Sam, and she's been here with me ever since. I'm kind of hoping he gets amnesia and forgets where she went, but that isn't going to happen. :) I think though that she'll be able to visit me through the cold months because when she's in the country she has to be an outside dog. Leon is gone too long for work for this old dogs badder. She does really well with "joint custody". She's happy to be here with me, and doesn't do the mope thing so I assume she isn't homesick yet. Leon has visited her/us twice so it isn't like she hasn't seen him. If only for a short time. She honestly knows that I need her. I can't explain it, but she knows.

Leon calls Sam "The Love Dog" and that is the best way to describe her. She likes peace and harmony, and if people get hyper (me) or voices get raised even a little she gets right in the middle and stares at you. I hesitate to call her my "soul mate" lol but she and I have a very very strong bond. I have, and have had several other dogs in my life and they were just family pets. I loved them sure, but I wasn't overly attached to them.

As I mentioned before, Sam is no puppy. She is somewhere between 11 and 13 from what I can figure. No, he doesn't know. He'll tell you she's 18 and that can not be true. First of all, no matter how old she is, for a large dog she's ancient. I've noticed that just in the time we were apart she sleeps a lot harder. When I come in the front door she doesn't always greet me if she's in the back. The first day this happened I literally almost had a heart attack. I opened the door, no dog. (this is what happened when I came home to Misty) My heart starts to race. I yell out "Sammy!" No dog. I start to get dizzy, my mind was racing, and my tummy turned over. I'm now running through the dining room as she comes around the corner and out my bedroom door, groggily. Now I'm on the floor hugging her and crying. Geez. Yes, that would have been the point where I "dropped my basket" and some "nice young men in their clean white coats" would have been "coming to take me away!"

I think Sam is going home tomorrow. So I'll be praying for below zero temps. :) Sorry everyone. You know it's gonna happen anyway, so don't blame me. Leon is still hoping that I will take the cat (Milky) but it just isn't the same. She would be company though, so I am still considering it.

New Begining!

Free at last, free at last! The YMCA can........ you follow the general train of thought.

You, dear readers, are reading the blog of the newest member of the University Child Care team!! I will be teaching preschool again. My own class, my own lessons, my own assistant, MINE, MINE, MINE! I have been so excited, and I've had to keep it mostly to myself for SEVEN weeks. Do you have any idea how hard that was to do? For the first three weeks only my sister, the teacher I work with, and "Missy Christy" at work knew about it. She and I have been helping each other make some decisions about where our work lives should go. Incidentally, she and one assistant also gave notice this week. While not planned that way, it is a good shot of Karma for sure.

In 2000 I took over the lead preschool teaching position at the Y, and it is by far my favorite age to work with. I loved teaching the kids new things and watching them grow. Five years later, the district brought in 4K, pushing me to an assistant position in the room in the morning, and then taking over when 4K left off. I would "teach" when they weren't in session, and during the summer. I lived for the summer. I have a lot of comments about 4K in general, and about some of the teaching styles, skills, of the teachers (8) who came through our program. I'm going to choose to keep them out of here. If you know me, you KNOW. :) 4K has it's own room at UCC, I will have the 3's and the 4 and 5 year olds when they aren't in 4K.

This past summer we learned that the daycare was facing eviction from the college because they are expanding their dorms. Then in the fall for a time I got stuck with the two year olds. UGH! I have little faith that the Y will bother to open another center, so the job hunt began. I had a few nanny opportunities, and then this little gem fell into my lap. When I first contemplated it, and tried to decide which road to take I woke in the middle of the night because I was so excited at the possibility of teaching full time again, my own class, my own lesson plans, my own room. I knew right then what I really wanted to do when I grew up.

I have worked for the YMCA for 22 years. *minus 6 month sanity break in '99* I have worked with every age group, including latchkey. I also spent two summers as the Day Camp director. It has been an interesting ride, and I will miss the kids I am currently hanging out with everyday, but it is more than time to move on. It's going to be great looking forward to going to work each morning!

My last official day is Dec 31. I will start the new year at UCC! My technical last day is Tuesday December 28. I only have four more actual work days to go!!!!!!!

Tomorrow

One of my favorite songs to belt out! ♫ Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow! You're only a day away! ♫ Tomorrow is a big day for me, but I cant tell you until tomorrow. :)

On a sad note, even though tomorrow is going to be the start of something new and exciting, I also have to go and pick Misty's ashes up after work.

I said to Jennifer the other day, I wonder what the problem is that God totally cleared my life out. Can it really be for one little black cat??? She looked at me and said, not problem, plan. His plan for you. Ok, plan then.

Well, I have a plan and it begins tomorrow! It remains to be seen what the man upstairs has in store for me, but I'm sure my feet are on the right path.

Misty

~Misty June 25, 1993 - December 8 2010

I was planning out a blog, using this very picture. It was going to be a funny piece about how I am becoming a "crazy cat lady". Living alone with the cat who could never leave my side we had some great conversations that usually ended with me saying "Right Misty?" and answering myself with a laugh, "Right Mama."

I thought she would be sucked to my side forever, I at least thought she'd drive me crazy for a few more years. I couldn't have been more wrong. I came home Wed night to a very sick cat. We rushed her over to the emergency vet, and found out that she was in kidney failure. Apparently she must have been sick for some time, although she never honestly showed any sign of it. Kate was here for some time last Sat night, I asked her if she thought Misty acted sick, but she didn't notice anything either. I guess the only thing I've noticed since Pepper died was that she was on me ALL the time, and most of it she slept. THAT was different. Cats are supposed to sleep a lot, but that fireball seemingly just cat napped so she could keep her eye on things. I thought she was sleeping more because she was depressed.

As I told the vet to put her to sleep, with tears streaming down my face, he made a comment about admiring my quiet strength. All I could envision was tearing that room apart and screaming loud enough to bring down the heavens. Throwing the biggest temper tantrum anyone had ever seen.

The house is too quiet, even though I've only spent two nights alone. Leon kindly loaned me Sam for a few days to help me cope. My home just feels like an empty house. Sam is my peace, but she isn't mine, I can't keep her. It helps though.

So I have lost my "Mistydoodle". She was a loving cat, very much Mama's owner in her mind, a lap cat, a very very naughty cat, and a horrible shedder. For the first two years of her life I had to put the garbage can in the den at night or over it would go. I'd be in bed two minutes and "thump". She was the queen of rebel poop, and she placed her bombs very carefully. Usually somewhere my x husband would stumble into them. :) I had a hard time being too harsh about that........

While they ran tests at the vet I had a good twenty minutes to hold her, all wrapped up in a towel like a baby. She dozed, and we talked of many things. I told her how much I loved her, and how much I would miss her, but that she could go and play with her brother now. I'm sure he was glad to see her.

Good bye my little peanut. My lap is so empty without you. Til we meet again.

Duct Tape

Enough is enough!

I finally feel like myself again. I've had the image of Anne Boleyn stuck in my head since I wrote my last blog. I should copy it off and put it somewhere that I will see it every day.

I may have had my head lopped off, but I own duct tape, and I know how to use it! Yes, it's bruised, it's not on straight, that's for sure, but most importantly it's attached and not the end of ME! The time for wallowing is over. It's time for this Queen to dust herself off and get back to the business at hand. *checking the duct tape, yep it's on tight* I am about to take firm control of my kingdom and my future, and I am SO ready!
Changes are a comin' my friends..........

Headless

Well, it has been a month since my status reverted to single. I would like to tell you that I am doing much better. It would be nice to say that the constant ache in my soul has eased some. I would love to say that I've realized he wasn't the one for me, and I'm starting to heal and move forward. All of those things sound wonderful, but they are definitely not true. I also seem to have another problem. Have any of you seen my head???

I have an odd obsession with Henry VIII. I read everything I can get my hands on pertaining to him, and/or his poor wives. I love historical fiction, and I am in heaven with that time period. I often wonder why that is? I'm currently reading "The Autobiography of Henry VIII with notes by his fool Will Somers" by Margaret George. It is a 1000 page book with the tiniest print ever! I drag it to work every day and read while the kids are sleeping, I read it at home also. I've even dragged it into the bubble bath with me and managed not to drop the thing. It seems as if it will never end! When I started it I thought that if I didn't like it within the first few pages I wouldn't bother. I know the story anyway. Of course, I loved it, and I'll look for this author again once I've finished it. Heaven knows I can never have enough books. *looking over at the book basket with at least 20 waiting to be read*

Which Queen do I relate to? Well up until now I would have said the last one, Catherine Parr. She used her wits, survived his madness, and outlived Henry. That is pretty much my deal. I'm a survivor. However last night while talking about blogs and books with Patty, who is my sister in law Jenny's Mom, better known as Oma (Grandma) to the artist formerly known as Pablo, I realized that I might as well be Anne Boleyn. We were talking about life, and I suddenly said "The way it went, my head might as well have been chopped right off."

Was Anne a witch? Was she an adulteress? Perhaps she was totally innocent, a mere pawn in a political game. I used to sit on one side of the fence, but now I'm leaning toward the other. Well, most of me is leaning. My head, of course, is rolling down the hill. :)

Goover Gingerbread

Well, we goovers finally had our "Wizard of Oz" sleepover! The two little ones had never seen the movie, so it was fun to share it with them. It always brings up childhood memories, mostly of Easter, as that is when the networks used to play it. The first time Ashlyn and I watched it she was about four, and I was afraid she would be scared of the witch. Turns out she cheered the witch on. That's my girl!

While Ashlyn made brownies the goovers helped me "un" decorate the house from fall/Thanksgiving. They enjoyed that, and it got the work done really fast. We took out one Christmas candle, and arranged the holiday blocks to say "Merry Christmas". Then we took out the gingerbread house kit that I purchased from Target. It was an interesting project, and we all did have a lot of fun. The icing was like tacky glue with sugar in it, and that's what it tasted like too. Much to the disappointment of the girls the candy also arrives stale. It went together without incident, and that's all Auntie cared about!

My wall is now covered with paintings turned into snowflakes. That's the decoration they chose to make this year. We ran out of time for Christmas chains this time. If we get together to make cookies we'll do that too. Christmas dinner is at my house, so it's fun to have them help with the decorating.

One major change in the goover plans: I am not sleeping with the little goovers again! I put the restless one on the end (Caitlin) so she would kick Hannah, not me. :) She still took up more than half the bed, leaving me and Hannah (who is as hot as a furnace) clinging to the other edge. Add a cat who is upset to have someone else close to her Mama and we have a mostly sleepless night. We'll get them a blow up mattress for when they spend the end of Dec with me, and the nights we're at their house they can sleep in their own beds! When they woke up bright eyed at 7 am I thought, yep.... THIS is why I do not have kids!

It was a fun time though, and we'll get together again soon! Maybe TAFKAP can join us for some cookie baking in a few weeks. He's a goover alright, but is allergic to the cat so can't sleep over.

Speaking of TAFKAP, we had a good Thanksgiving. He beat me at Mario Kart numerous times, and he, Jerry, and I played four rock band songs. I played at expert and 3 out of 4 were 98%! I ROCK! ;)

Pumpkin Pie

The pie is in the oven, and soon the spicy scent of cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and my favorite, cloves, will be wafting through the air of my apartment. It is snowing to beat the band outside, and all cozy and warm in here. The cat on my lap is meowing about her day, or just bitching at me in general. There is an empty space on the floor by the coffee table where a dog should be, an empty space on the rocker where another cat should be, and an empty space on the couch where someone should be snoring. I should be used to this by now, nothing stays the same.

I made my first pumpkin pie when I was in grade school, and I forgot the milk. Luckily my Mom noticed the cup of milk on the counter a couple of minutes after the pie went into the oven. She rolled her eyes at me and very gently slid the oven rack out, poured the milk right into the pie and stirred it up. I've never made that mistake again! I have on occasion left out a spice, and had a pie overflow in the oven, but that's about it. Yes, I do put the pie on a cookie sheet now! One mess like that is enough.

Several years ago I came across a recipe for a pumpkin chiffon pie. It rocks! Graham cracker crust, cream cheese base, and a homemade pumpkin pudding on top. I made it last year, but found some pumpkin flavored pudding at the store so thought I'd cut corners. NOT a good idea. I'm not making that this year. I wasn't even going to make a pie at all, but my x husband wanted to trade me a pie (minus a piece for me) for some of his world famous stuffing and gravy, so of course I said, hell ya! I'm also throwing in some rutabegga, which is oddly my second favorite thing about Thanksgiving.

I am spending my Thanksgiving with TAFKAP (the artist formerly known as Pablo) and family. Jenny is making ham. Now I like ham, don't get me wrong, but not for Thanksgiving. Paul and I like turkey, so I picked up a breast to cook and bring along. I will also be bringing...rutabegga! Mmmmm I love the smell of cooking beggies. When we would have Thanksgiving at Aunt Mary's you could smell it when you walked in the door. She always set a gorgeous table, for her sister's three hooligan children. The year my brother popped the top off of the water glass by squeezing the stem as hard as he could.........twice.....was priceless. Jerry was always her favorite, so of course it had to have been an accident, the first time. hehehe Not so much. She wizened up after the second one went pop. It was really cool, the whole top just popped off in one piece, flew up into the air and crashed down on the table. I clearly remember his evil grin from across the table, and I remember all of our water going into regular glasses after that.

Those days are gone now, most of the people are too. Life changes, traditions change, and we just have to roll with it. At least there's pumpkin pie, and for that I am truly thankful!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Smile?

I contemplated not publishing this because it is so personal, but that is the point of my blog after all. If my struggles, stumbles, insights, and general gooneyness help someone, all the better.

The other day when I wrote about music it started me thinking about listening to it again. I've had the music off for several weeks now so nothing could creep up on me unexpected and cause a very ugly and potentially embarrassing moment.

So today I thought, hey....why not turn it on and torture yourself? Maybe you can exercise the demons inside? Doesn't that sound like fun? No, no it does not. So I didn't turn it on.

Later I was led astray by that lil guy Bieber, or however you spell his name. I'm not really a fan, but I like the song "You smile, I smile." He won at the AMA's and they played a snippet of the song. It, well, it makes me smile. :) I need things that make me smile, so I thought I would download it on iTunes and listen to it 5 million times. I never listen to a new download just once. I have to listen to it enough to learn the words, because I need to sing along. I just have to, it's the law. Ok, it isn't really the law, but ask anyone who's around me. I have to. At least I can carry a tune. *shrug*

I innocently cranked up the ol' iTunes on the computer, but the iStore wouldn't load. Please try again later. Well, I don't want to! I want to smile, and I want to smile now! Rats. Of course then I start looking through my music. I like Daughtry, but for some reason I only have one song on my computer. "Over You" is the title, and while I knew it was a breakup song, I guess I only really know the chorus. Ah, what the heck. Lets give it a listen. Maybe it will make me feel better. It didn't. Oh God, it did not. I stared in horror with a small tear sliding down my cheek, then cried a bit, then the awful sobbing gasps, and the anger waves as I raged at the unfairness of it all. Not pretty, but a pretty necessary step in this journey I'm on. If I can't get the awfulness out of me I will just stew in it.

I can't quite recall the stages of grief, and I never do them in the right order anyway. I still have moments of denial, I am angry most of the time, I obviously have done some grieving today, but acceptance is a long way coming. I know there's one more, so I'm googling it. I wouldn't want to miss any of this loveliness. Ah! The bargaining. Yep, I've done that. I do a lot of that. Google says it's normal to do these things out of order, so I wont make the shrink appointment just yet.

Well, things could be a lot worse. I could be Brett Favre! hahahahahahahahaha There. You smiled, I smiled. :D

Jaded

"Hey j-j-jaded, you got your mama's style But you're yesterday's child to me So jaded You think that's where it's at But is that where it's supposed to be? " ~ Aerosmith


That's me. Jaded. Sometimes I hide it better than others, this is not one of those times. Years ago when Tom wanted to become the assistant in my room I honestly said to him, " I think men are useless. Prove me wrong." He did. My male friends usually do. Men I am in a relationship with do not. So is that because of the choices I make, or because men act differently with female friends? Hmmm..... not the subject of this blog, but an interesting question none the less.

Last weekend I was supposed to have my nieces sleep over. I had the flu instead. My Ashlyn was going to her first high school formal, with the girls, and she was coming home to me. I would get to see her in her beautiful dress, make some popcorn, take out the monopoly, and gab about boys and the dance the rest of the night. Instead I spent the night alone. Me, some popcorn, and Jane Austin.

First I watched "Sense and Sensibility", which I love. The Misses Dashwood were settled with their men and all was right with the world. Even though I don't really believe in it, I still love to dream about it, and watch it. Then lo and behold I realized that the version I got from the library had another disc! A whole other movie, called "Jane Austen Regrets", based on her letters. I loved it! Now, I am NO Jane Austen, but it seems our thinking runs along similar lines. We would like to believe the fairytale, we can even spin fairy tales for others to enjoy ( yeah...I'm no Austin) but neither of us really believes it. In the movie Jane's niece goes to her for advice on a man she (the niece) wants to marry. Jane basically tanks it with her cynicism. It was then that I realized I could very well do the same thing.

I want to be there for my niece, for all of them for that matter. Sometimes the young women at work will even ask me a question, or an opinion about men related things. I don't want to tank something inadvertently, because of my cynicism. I certainly don't want Ashlyn to grow up hating men. Although the thought of her going through even 1/4 of what I have upsets me greatly, the bliss of first love isn't something I would want to deny her. There's a fine line between insightful advise, and destructive cynicism. It's time for me to learn how to walk it.


I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance ~ Garth Brooks

How Rude!

This is more of a short irritated commentary! Unless of course I start to rant. :) The other day I decided to update my Face Book status. It now says single, and I changed the "looking for" from just friends to add dating and a relationship . Although I am not really looking for those things at the moment. So I changed it, and moved on with my life without another thought. Then I started noticing the adds on the side of my wall had changed.

Apparently I am no longer interested in "Tide", or going back to school, or working from home. Now the ads are totally jammed with dating sites of all kinds, weight watchers, and my favorite...... depression web sites. WTF????? Apparently I need to get on weight watchers and take some pills so I can run right out and find me a man! (which is odd, because the only reason I would need pills of any kind would be due to MEN in the first place)

What kind of a message does this send to women????? I'm trying to keep it clean, but the profanities are flying in my head. I happen to like the way I look, thank you very much. Yes, I am sad. I have been through a very rough and trying time, but I'm dealing with it. No meds needed. However, I do encourage people to seek help if they need it. It just isn't for me. I know how to deal with this. I should, I've done it enough. For me it's a process I have to go through, and I need to feel it. I wont dull it with meds.

The most important statement: FACEBOOK I DO NOT NEED A MAN TO BE COMPLETE! Sometimes I WANT to share my life with a man, but it is not a need. Right now I'm not feeling very generous toward the opposite sex. Until I can direct that anger toward only the people who deserve it, I have no business dating. I'm doing some serious focus on ME, what I want out of this life, and how I'm going to get it. The word man does not apply to any of it at the moment.

So bring back the ads for "Tide" and furthering my education online. They are much more interesting to me right now!

~The End

Music

Music is the very heart of my being. It soothes me when I need to be comforted, and instantly picks me up when I'm down. When I was a teen I spent more time sitting on the hi-fi in my room listening to music, singing my aching heart out, and staring out the window than doing anything else. While I like many kinds of music, I'm a rock and roll girl at heart. Country music usually makes me shudder, but there are a few tunes I can deal with. ♫ You and me goin' fishin' in the dark.... ♫ Some of the cross overs are alright.

I love to sing. My Mom used to say that I never cried when I woke up as a baby, rather, I would sing to myself in the crib. I believe it, I'm always singing. I make up songs at work to get me through the day, and give my co-workers a smile. The kids and I listen to classical at nap time, and we listen to the oldies when it's time to wake up. Often you will find us dancing among the nap mats.

I also love to dance. When I am at my worst, and raging at the world I will dance it out. The best song for that is "The Boys Are Back in Town." Why? Heck if I know, but it lets me dance my demons away. Then there's slow dancing. Holding the person you love close. Shoot, I can't even go there right now. My niece is at her first formal dance tonight, and oh the memories that bring up!

I have had a hard time trying to blog lately. I have very exciting news to share, but it has to wait. The world isn't going my way and what I can put into words I shouldn't. The rest is too real if I give it words. I feel stuck and angry, blocked and broken. I got this much out because of music. I didn't seek out the music, I'm in too deep for it at the moment. It found me, and it was county and awful, simply awful, but it fits. Some chick singing on PBS, which is my background noise this evening. This is what she sang:

"Bury me beneath the willow, under the weeping willow tree. So he may know where I am sleeping, and perhaps he'll weep for me."

It was sad and haunting, a broken heart, a lover who walked away uncaring. It was corny and hee-haw, and it struck me down where I stood. Shook me enough to want to get some of this out of me though, and that's a good thing. It got me to sit down and write something, and that's what it's all about. I've heard several writers give the advice to read something every day, and write something every day. Reading I've got covered, no problem. The writing is a little tougher these days.

My favorite of all time? "No Matter What" by Badfinger ♥

When October Ends

What to write about October 2010? I began the month with a career hanging in the balance, but pretty confident in my home life. My "family" consisted of 3 cats, the world's best dog, and two humans. October ended with a career that is looking up, but only myself and one cat, Misty are left in the "family" unit. Pepper, bless him, is lost forever to me. Leon, Sam, and Milky very well may be also.

What happened is too personal and too painful to write about in detail, but it's definitely a new twist for a relationship ending for me. He is my judge, jury, and executioner.....and at this point I have no choice but to accept it. It burns my very soul. When presented with fight or flight I will come out swinging every time, and my hands are tied at my sides. Everything I say falls on deaf ears, but I will keep shouting it from the rooftops. I am innocent! I have done nothing wrong, unless loving someone is considered a crime these days. I deserve a fair trial.

Once again the winds of change are whistlin' round my door step. The ying and the yang that are my life are in play. The good always equals out the bad, and vice versa. I hold desperately onto the hope that God has better things in store for me, all the way around. While I don't practice a formal religion any more, I am still very in tune with my faith. I think it's just time to let Him handle it all. I'm beyond done trying.

My Sweet Hurricane

The middle goover girl turns seven tomorrow! She was dubbed loco porquito after an adorable picture was taken of her as a baby with a little stuffed pig on her head. (I'd love to show you if this site would let me post a picture. grrrrrrr) Her older sister even made up a song about her. ♫ Rojo diablo (that's a nickname I had for baby Ashlyn, it means red devil) riding through the west, with her side kick Loco Porquito, the crazy little pig! ♫ Elise heard her singing it in the tub one night. She must have been about the age Hannah is now.

Hannah also earned another nickname early on. HURRICANE HANNAH! She was a bundle of energy for sure. As much as Ashlyn was Kate's baby, Hannah was mine. I am also her very proud God Mother. The day she was born was one of the happiest in my life, I still can feel the excitement as we raced up to the hospital to meet her. It had been six years since our family had a new baby to love. She cried the entire time we were there, and most of the times that I held her for the next year. I was begining to get a complex. Then a little bit after she turned one she decided I wasn't so bad after all, and we became great pals.

I used to sing ♫ Hannah Noelle, straight from..... Albiquerque! Ashlyn was amazed to find out that really is the name of a city in New Mexico. Hannah gave herself the cutest nickname. About three years ago if you asked her name she would say Hannah Oh Well instead of Noelle.

Hannah was the apple juice Nazi. Even before she was two years old she demanded a continuous supply of it in her sippie cup. Woah to you if you ran out. When Caitlin was born I watched the other two for a few days while Elise was in the hospital. Hannah and I went to pick up Ashlyn at vacation bible school and were going to stay for a program, and I forgot the apple juice. I know, I'm a professional. How could I forget the juice? We were just about there and I hear this little voice from the back seat questioning me. Appo Juice???? Ahhh crap! I really am a professional, and there was a fun program to watch, so I did avoid the temper tantrum. We also have very cute pictures of her joining in a dance number during the program. I couldn't keep a hold of her, she was not to be denied! A year or so later she discovered "Shocki Miwk" and it was just as bad. It's a wonder that girls baby teeth survived! lol

Hannah's was a pea pod for her first Halloween, and she cried. Well, she was only a few days old, and of course I was holding her. Her second Halloween she was Winnie the Pooh. I had been trying to get her to say my name for months, but apparently she knew how important it was to me, so she wouldn't. On Halloween I gave her a plastic pumpkin....full of little containers of.... appo juice! She sighed with delight and said JO! I was filled with equal mix of elation and irritation. :) Her third Halloween she was a cat. She came racing out of the dark onto the front deck yelling "I comin' Jo! I comin' !" and jumped into my waiting arms. After that, something changed. I am going to blame it on middle child syndrome. With the coming of the new baby, we came to the eye of the hurricane. She no longer was my snuggle baby who jumped into my arms. She would never kiss me hello, or good-bye. Going so far as to hide in a cupboard once. She used to jabber at me all the time on the phone, now she refused to even take the phone when I called. She became somewhat calmer, and much shyer. This went on for four years.

During the last year when she arrived she would shyly hug me, and when she left she would offer a cheek for me to kiss. A few weeks ago she arrived with the rest of the goovers to visit while her Dad did some computer work for me. I walked out to the front porch while they filed out of the car. Hannah checked for traffic, and then came running full board across the street, up the stairs, and into my arms. I almost sobbed with joy. I saw her again at my birthday party two weeks ago and she walked right in with a "I missed you Aunt Joanie!" and a hug.

Happy Birthday my sweet hurricane! You started out wild as the wind, but have settled into a shyer breeze. It is so fun to watch you learn and grow, and I am so happy and blessed to be a part of your life! My arms and heart are always open! Love you baby ♥ Auntie Jo

My Boy

~Pepper June 27,1993 - October 7,2010


I knew this blog was coming, but we always think we have more time. It has taken me almost two weeks to sit down and write this, to write anything at all for that matter. I have known great loss in my life, and no, losing a pet does not compare to those, but for me this is the first pet of my own that I have had to put down. To say it was hard is an understatement. I had no choice, but that didn't make it any easier either. If you've seen the movie Marley and Me, that is about the way it went. The gap left behind is immense. Thanks to my poor sister, who came and got us and then spent the rest of the morning hanging out with me. That's the second family pet she has helped to the other side in a month, and hopefully the last for a long time!

Pepper was not my first cat of choice, but he quickly became first in my heart. I had picked Misty out of a litter shortly after she was born. When I went to visit her two weeks later she bit me on the ankle and ran off. So I sat down on Leanne's couch, rather disheartened, when this little multi-colored brown puff ball came marching across the floor. He jumped up onto the couch, climbed onto my lap, then up higher, and went to sleep snuggled on my shoulder. It was love. I no longer wanted Misty, but wanted to take Pepper instead. In the end I took them both so they would be company for each other. You see, I'm more of a dog person, but my life at the time didn't really work for having a dog. With cats you don't have to be there all the time, just make sure there's plenty of food and water and you're good to go! I knew nothing about kittens, and learned as we went along. It was an interesting, crazy ride to be sure! Most of those are Misty stories, Pepper was always a good boy.

Misty and Pepper were 17 last June. I honestly never thought I'd have him that long with the health problems he had early on. I like to call him the million dollar cat, and his passing left a typically large bill behind. It also left a devastated human, a sister who hopefully will not have to go back on "crazy kitty" meds, a dog pal who looks at me so sadly it breaks my heart, and Leon who is now surrounded by girls. The first few days were rough, but we seem to be settling in to a new routine.

I brought his ashes home last Thursday, a week after he was put down. Honestly, I felt much better having him here again. Misty, who had avoided their chair finally curled up in her spot that night. Probably a coincidence, but we both seem more settled.

Most peoples immediate reaction was "Oh you'll have to get another kitty for Misty." Yeah, that's not in the plan. May I restate that I'm not a cat person? I love MY cats. Even Leon's cat, the infamous "Got Milk" *yes that is her name, no we did not name her, we call her Milky* doesn't really appeal to me. I pet her, feed her, etc and she snuggles with me at night when I'm there, but I have no real attachment to her. Sam, his dog, is a very different story. We have been bonded since the moment I met her. I think Misty and I would do well with a puppy if my life were in a little bit different place. We'll see how it goes.

Last Valentine's Day on Facebook people were posting about their valentine. The above pic is the picture I used, and this is the post that I wrote. (when I get the pic to post that is!)

This is Pepper. HE is my "other". I met him at a friends house one summer day. He was only three weeks old. We have been together for 16 1/2 years. He has been with me through most of my adult life..... marriage, divorce, the deaths of so many loved ones. No matter what, he's always waiting for me at the door when I get home, and can and does actually say "mama". He is the BEST boy I know

Rest in peace my sweet boy. Mama loves you and misses you so much! You will always have a very special place in my heart.

Fabulous!

That's me when I was one year old. (My Mom always hated this pic, but I love it! Look how happy I am! ) Now, I'm forty and fabulous!! Most days I even really feel that way. If I had to pick an age and stay that old forever, I'm pretty sure forty would be it.

The road I have traveled in this life has been particularly bumpy, but the scenery is always interesting. I have been blessed with a very close family, and a few close real friends. I have known great loves, and great loss. I have experienced joy so profound I thought my heart would burst, and sorrow so deep my heart should be broken to bits. It isn't though, because I am a survivor.

The wrong turns I have taken, the pot holes I've tumbled into, and the flat tires I've had are too numerous to mention. I firmly believe that for the most part I have made the best decisions for myself at any particular time, with the information I had available to me at that time. I certainly learn from my mistakes and I seldom come even close to repeating them. It's much more fun and exciting to make new ones!

I think the most important part of this particular age for me is that I am content. I don't want more than I have, or have more than I need. My "Cuppa Joe" asked me the other day if I was happy. Well, that really wasn't the day to ask me that particular question. So with a big sigh I said. NO Then I paused and said, but you know what? I am content. Even though there is a storm of uncertainty surrounding me, I am still content. No one is happy all the time, and if they tell you they are, they're lying. I would say I'm happy 75 % of the time, and I don't think that's too darn bad.

This is the last night that I get to be forty. Tomorrow at 8:20 am I will be *gulp* 41. One tick closer to 50 and fabulous, which is what I intend to be!!

Shadow

Shadow 3/1/95 to 9/23/10

A sad day in our family today. My brother Jerry had to put his beloved dog Shadow to sleep. The time had come, without any doubt, but that didn't make the event any easier I'm sure. My sister Kate went with them, as she did the day the two of them picked him up at the pound. A smallish lab, he grew to be about half the size of a "normal" lab. With twice the energy.

Shadow came to our family the spring before Jerry and Jenny got married. He was to be their dog, but he started out as Kate's baby first. She would dress him up in *rolling my eyes* clothes, things like a jean jacket, and a letter jacket. I seem to recall a red sweater of sorts. He may also have had a leather bomber jacket. He just ate up all of that attention, rotten little bugger that he was. :) Wilder than the wind with a bark that would stop anyone in their tracks. All bark, no bite was Shadow. However, the neighbor lady actually called the cops because she honestly thought the dog would eat her Grandchild. Not that Shadow was anywhere near her Grandchild, he was always tied up when in the yard. Thus fort Meys was constructed.

Shaddy was a humper. That dog would go after anything and everything if it was on the floor, or if he could (in poor Ashlyn and later Pablo's case) knock it to the floor. One of my favorite Shadow stories was Jenny telling me that she thought Shadow had finally stopped humping. Then being outside one day she hears 5 year old Pablo call up from the mud puddle he was knocked into "Mama! Shadow is humping me!"

After getting married Jenny and Jerry lived next to Steve and me for a short time. Steve took great delight in opening our front door and whispering "Shadow! Shadow!" Then watching as Shadow tear like a mad dog back and forth through their house. Eventually you'd hear Jenny yelling at Steve to knock it off. Good times. :)

So I raise my glass (of milk) to Shadow. A wild, crazy, sweet, lovable, humper. So full of energy in his younger years, it was hard to watch him these last few. He actually had gray hair, and had the look of an old, old man. I know that you are in a better place at Mom's side, eating home made cookies and sandwiches by the dozen. I can see you running and jumping again, barking like an insane attack dog, humping everything in sight! You will be missed. ♥

Catch up

Just a re-cap of what's going on in my life.

Topic: HILLBILLY NEIGHBORS Several U - Hauls have been spotted in the front yard of my neighbors house, so they should be finished up with the move soon! I keep waiting for one last hootenanny in the back yard, but so far so good. I'm not sure if the house has sold, the hillbillies moved the sign to drive the trucks right up to the front door, so it's leaning up against the fence.

Topic: HAPPY HOUR I believe it has been decided unanimously to move our group to "C's" for Friday night happy hour. The food and service are both fabulous! They also aired the place out really well, so there's no stale smoke smell. If we want to wander over to the Shack for their 6pm specials afterwords that will be fine too. No one will be starving at least. :) We probably will, because Lisa is "seeing" the manager. So until that tanks and we can't go there anymore...... that man actually referred to us as the "mafia". As in, does the Mafia like me? ( I want to be a hit man, and the jury is still out on the liking part)

Topic: FAMILY They are all doing well. The girls came over for a bit on Sunday while their Dad hooked up my computer. He had taken it with him on Friday night to fix a problem I was having. Have I mentioned that "Bumpy" is the best brother in the whole world??? Anyway, the girls painted some leaves for me to decorate the walls with, and we had some very interesting conversation, provided by Tater. " I broke up with my boyfriend because he was cheating on me. I caught him kissing another girl." I never in my life thought I would have the "We are better off without boys like that" speech with a FIVE year old. Then she immediately switched to a convo about her BFF, and I could see that she was over the little cretin who cheated. Hannah apparently still has her three boyfriends, and Ashlyn (the smart one) is enjoying High School. I really need to set a date for our Wizard of Oz sleepover!

Topic: WORK I need to get serious about exploring a couple of options. Starting next week I go back on the closing schedule and will be working 10-6 every Thursday....except I'm off next Thurs (hahaha) to celebrate my bday, so I guess it really starts the week after. I don't really mind, coming in at 10 shaves two hours off of the toddler portion of my work day. We are also more than likely going to be forced into a half or an hour long lunch break so they can work us later and cover the end of the day staffing issues. Once upon a time I had a PAID 45 minute lunch break from these people.........

Topic: ME I should have just called this topic sanity, or perhaps INSANITY would be a better choice of word. I'm settling into my new work routine, although I by no means have resigned myself to it. As far as my personal life, things have been kind of rocky. A lot less settled than I would like. Possibly on an upswing, but with my brown eyed man I can never quite tell. Stay tuned. :) Next week I am turning 41. I'm not feeling as good about that as I did when I turned 40, but I still am loving this age. Wise enough to not make the stupider mistakes and young enough to still enjoy the ones I do!

Poetry 2

On Friday during nap time this little poem escaped. The comp broke, and my wonderful brother fixed it today! So here it is!

~Why love?

Why should I trust, and try to share a heart that
has been laid open, bare and broken too many times to count?

Why should I love, when love had failed and faded?
Washed away by pain and guilt, or swept along the sands of time.

Why should I let myself feel, when drowning in the depth
of those emotions threatens at every turn?

Why should I let myself hope, reaching out again and again
hoping that someone will grasp my hand?

Because, to live without walking around in an empty
shell, you need these precious things. Otherwise you are just marking
your time here on earth with nothing, until it slips away.

Random Poetry

Sitting at work today (while the kids were sleeping) I was going to write a blog about how bored I am with my new position, and how I feel like my talents are being wasted away. Instead I plunked out a poem. Poetry was my way of dealing with the teen age years, and I haven't really written any recently.

~Boredom

My life has become
a mind numbing prison
from which there seems
no escape.

A safe shelter of
tedium, strangling
the very life from
my soul.

Emptying my mind
of all useful thought,
concentrating solely
on the key to freedom.

Home

I have known for weeks that I would write this blog, I just didn't know how it was going to go. I have been alternately looking forward to and dreading today for some time now. This afternoon I went to a 90th birthday party for my X Mother-in-law. Yes, my X husband was there. Yes, his girlfriend was there also. This is not the someone(s) who came between us, but someone who came into the picture later. Does it really matter? I've never, in the 20 years we have known each other seen him with anyone other than myself. How would I handle that? Would it even matter?

It took me a long time to RSVP to the invitation, but ultimately I miss my family. I want to see the kids growing up and hear what they're doing. I missed Carrie's wedding this past summer, and I was very angry about that. One of Steve's sisters commented on it while I was visiting with her today. "You should have been there, you watched those kids grow up. You were a part of their lives." I agreed. I got to see her today though, and hug her and tell her I love her and how happy I am for her.

After emailing Judy that Kate and I would be coming to the party I sent an email to Steve. I wanted to make sure that he knew we were invited, and that we were going to come. Ruth is still a part of my life, I still refer to her as my Mother in Law, and I actually do some cleaning for her, so I still see her on a regular basis. When she became sick this past spring/summer I decided then and there that I'm done staying away from the family to "make room" for someone new. I've always been an accepted part of them, and I thought it wouldn't be fair to someone new if I was around. That's done. She (whoever the she of the moment is) can have him. I'm keeping them.

Steve emailed me back that he was glad we were coming and "Vicki is really excited to meet you." Uh.... excuse me? I have to say it. Bullshit. I have been in that position, it was uncomfortable and I certainly wasn't looking forward to it. I must say though, I had enough respect for the x wife (who didn't deserve it) and mother to Dave's children that when it became clear no one would introduce us, I actually went right up and introduced myself. Awkward? Yes. I, however, was the bigger person and it put me on good footing. That is NOT what happened today.

Steve and Vicki arrived in her van, pulling up to Judy's drive. They got out, changed seats, and he drives away, leaving her to walk alone into this family gathering where she knows the x wife she has never met is waiting. I mumbled "what an ass" to his sister, and she chuckled. I figured I had two choices. Take the high road or ignore it. I would like to say I took the high road, but honestly I couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty. So I ignored it. She joined our group and I just kept up my conversation like she wasn't even there. None of the other family members in the group must have been brave enough to do the introductions, so we still have not officially met.

Steve arrived, said his hello's, gave me and my sister a hug, and moved on to visit with others. He never made a move to introduce us. This might have had something to do with the email I sent him back after the "she's excited to meet you" business. I was honest. I told him I was going to the party because it's something I "should" do. He could introduce us and then move on. I have no desire to chat with, or get to know this person, although I would certainly be civil. Well, probably anyway, unless of course I was provoked. :)

So it's over. What have I learned from this little adventure? Nothing that I really didn't already know. I still have a place at the family table if I want to take a seat. They all accepted me with open and loving arms. Home isn't necessarily a place, but the people you surround yourself with. Yesterday I drove by my old house, it is all run down, and it made me incredibly sad to see it. I used the old saying "You can't go home again." in my blog. For a little while today I saw that maybe you can.

p.s. I have to say it. I'm way prettier. LOL Yeah, I'm a bitch. I've earned it. ;) As to the how I dealt with seeing him with someone else question? Strange thing actually...... it wasn't even like they were together. He never as much as touched her while I was in sight of them. The answer is: I felt nothing. I thought I was well and truly over him, and I am and have been for a long time. The only man for me is a brown eyed mountain man who likes to toss rotten eggs at trees. :)

Hold the meat!

What an interesting night! The girls and I decided two weeks ago that we were done with our regular Friday night haunt, "The Shack" in Superior, Wisconsin where the food is great, but the service is absolutely terrible. This has gone on all summer, but we love sitting on the deck, happy hour at the attached liquor store, and then of course there was Skippy. I don't know if I mentioned it in the blog, but some weeks back Skippo moved on to bigger and better things. He is now a used car salesman. :) So we're hittin' all the hot spots trying to find a new home. Last night ruled out a few.

I met the girls out in my old neck of the woods, at Gronks. It's close to where I lived in Itasca (we name the hoods here) from '93 to '02. I arrived, starving to death, to women who had a head start on the drinks, and confusing the waitress. How to explain this business.... Lisa does not eat meat. Kerri sometimes doesn't, although she was trying to order bacon on her meatless cheeseburger, if it didn't cost extra. It did. They had a coupon for buy one burger get one for a dollar. They wanted to substitute grilled cheese, which is a cheaper deal for the restaurant, but Gronks wouldn't do it. So they didn't order anything. I missed this part. Mary, an older co-worker of Lisa's must have stopped in for one before going home and was a party to it. They were crabby, and she kind of looked like a deer in the headlights. I can only imagine.....

So right off the bat the waitstaff are ignoring the table. I want a drink, and I'm beyond hungry. Lisa and Kerri wanted to go to the Choo-Choo across the street. Do you know what it's like to try and cross highway 2 at rush hour??? We decided to stay, flagged down the waitress, got my rum and coke, ordered my chicken sandwich, and a meatless cheeseburger and a meatless California burger. Mary left before dinner arrived, and Shelly joined in about half way through.

The food was so-so, and the cook put piles (three inches thick I kid you not) of grated cheese on the girls sandwiches. Perhaps trying to make up for charging for meat that wasn't there......perhaps some other statement? Anyway, not the place for us. Nice remodeling job though.

We all pile in to Lisa's Cherokee to zip across the busy highway to the "Choo-Choo" bar. Ok, first off, WHERE is the train? It's now a white rectangle. All around outside they are setting up for a street dance tomorrow night. The inside is dark, pretty much as I remember it, but there is this awful smell I can not place. Yes, I smell the fish fry. That's not it. It's making me nauseous, kind of like really strong b.o. So we hike it up on the stools at the only available table and start looking around. We find an older, rough looking crowd, 50 and up I would say. Not really our "scene". Then it happened.

The vegetarians had their back to the main part of the bar. Shelly and I saw it all. Let me state first that I love bacon, and this did not in anyway affect me, and my love of meat. Shelly is soft hearted, and was sad for the pig. Lisa and Kerri........ perhaps therapy will help. Two men come out of the kitchen carrying a pig. A huge, skinned for a pig roast, headless (thank God) pig by his stiff legs. Shelly gasps and says "DONT LOOK". I said "Seriously, don't look!" Of course they couldn't help but looking. Our time at the Choo Choo came to a quick end. Shelly and Kerri actually ran to the car. Lisa and I were laughing too hard. We drove away with Kerri sticking her head out of the window yelling "Wilber! Wilber! Wilbur!" At the top of her lungs.

Then I did something I regret. The saying "You can't go home again" is so true, and I should not have driven through my old neighborhood on my way to the next bar. Everything is so run down, including the home I poured my heart and soul into...... serious mistake.

The next stop was the East End Tavern. I thought it was in a different spot on fifth, you can tell I'm not a bar hopper. :) Locals reading this will wonder how I didn't know where it was. Ok, I actually worked right across the street from it at Lake Superior Chiropractors.... what can I say? I don't pay any attention to bars, or apparently anything else in my immediate surroundings if they don't pertain to me.

What can I say about EET? We walk in, and it's very dark, and yes kind of dingy. Sitting at a table where you can't hear anyone talk isn't really my idea of a good time. They have a Pac Man machine, but we couldn't get near it. That would have been fun! There is that smell again. It is awful! Sitting there unable to hear most of the conversations I figured it out. You can't smoke in the bars anymore, and Choo-Choo and EET haven't done anything to air them out. It's the years and years of smoke that are causing that nausiating odor! Then a guy jumps up and his bar stool crashes to the floor, breaking! This happens directly behind Kerri and myself and we scoot to the other end of the table to A. not get squished by whatever fight is about to break out and B. for a good seat! Unfortunately nothing happened. :( I left soon after, laundry to finish up you know. Three bars in one night is a pretty big deal for me, although I only had one rum and coke. lol

Next week we go back to C's. That is where we started all those years ago, but the smoke was just too intense for me. Now that everyone is smoke free perhaps we'll settle there again. They cater to the meatless ones, the dead animals stay in the kitchen, they really have excellent food, and excellent service. Hopefully *gag* they've done a little airing out!

Growing Pains

I've been too busy living life to blog about it, or at least to write it out here. :) This one was written last Friday during nap time at work. It was an awful day, one of the worst as far as my work history goes. The highlight (sarcasm) was an extremely large five year old rough and tumble boy bursting into tears and sobbing his heart out on my lap. Sometimes it's traumatic for the kids when they realize Kindergarten means never coming back "home" to daycare. I felt his pain, as you will see. Jaded as I may be, I cried. Oh and you KNOW the kids noticed, and it capped off with a parent, a DAD no less, showing up early to pick up his son. Not one of my finer moments.

So here it is: Growing Pains

This has been a week of "growing" in my family! My youngest brother David and his wife Elise, watched their oldest child begin, and survive her first day of High School. The very same day their baby began, and survived ( but will her teacher?) Kindergarten. Their middle child, with her mouth full of big teeth, little teeth, and empty spots where teeth will be, started first grade.

Tater quotes on Kindergarten:

Night before ~ " My tummy is so excited it's throwing a party!"

Upon arriving home after day one ~ " Aunt Joanie, Mrs. Jardine's class is LONG."

My brother Jerry and his wife Jenny sent their son Paul (TAFKAP - The Artist Formerly Known As Pablo) off to third grade. Already? Didn't that boy just get here from Guatemala??? Time does fly. He seemed to enjoy his day I wont put the "Sorry" incident in the blog, we'll chalk it up to being overtired from the first day of school.

Last, but certainly not least, CeCe started Kindergarten! She has a special ed classroom, but joins the regular K for music, art, and gym. Grandma Karen went with to help get her settled on the first day. That makes it easier for my sister Kate to talk with teachers, therapists, etc. Karen commented on how many people knew CeCe by name and came to say hello. Not only classmates and kids from summer school, put their parents as well. Of course she can't tell us, but I'm sure she's excited to be back at school. Hangin' with Mom is fine for a bit, but gets boring quick for a little girl who is used to being on the go!

Then there are my own "growing pains". I WISH they were from growing taller. Alas, I resigned myself years ago to the fact that five foot flat is the tallest I will ever be. Almost ten years to the day I took over the full time preschool teacher position at the "Y". I taught for five years, and I absolutely loved it! Then our district brought in 4K (four year old Kindergarten), and several of the centers in town, including ours, opted to add it to their program. This meant a job change for me. I stayed in the room, but an elementary teacher came in to do "my" job, and I worked with her until lunch. So the child care portion of the day was still my responsibility.

This year, due to circumstances and situations I'm not going to comment on....YET, my time in the four and five year old room is being halved. The 4K program doesn't have enough kids for two teachers, so I was given the choice of which room to spend my mornings in. From now on I will be hanging out in the Toddler (2 yr old) Room in the mornings, and then moving back to "my" room at noon.

While I technically lost the job I loved five years ago, not only lost it, but had the pleasure of watching EIGHT teachers come and go during that time. Again, plenty to blog about, but I digress..... for now. I still had a hand in the program.

I start my new position on Tuesday morning. Another teacher said to me, "Isn't it funny? You started your career in that room." It's true, I did. I was the lead teacher for nine years or so before I had to take a sanity break. My reply?

"Yes, and it appears that's where I'll end it."

My Light

Today my oldest niece turned fourteen. I can hardly believe it! Sometimes it seems like yesterday when I looked into those big blue eyes for the first time. I would run into my Mom's house, where they lived, after I was done with work saying "Where's the baby?" I would hear the colic scream and say "Oh, good-bye baby!" Other times it's hard for me to remember that she ever was that small!

Ashlyn was the first Grandchild and niece on our side of the family. To say she was doted on would be a huge understatement. She was rather rotten between the ages of two and four, probably because of it, but thankfully she grew out of it. That more than likely occurred when her younger sisters started appearing on the scene and she wasn't the "center" anymore. However, people would comment about how she moved between all of us with such ease, and it's true. She was very comfortable being with any one of us, because she new how much she was loved. She is still that way, while the other kids "belong" more to their parents, Ash has always been joint property. :)

Ashlyn knows how much she meant to Grandma Ruthie, they were like two peas in a pod. She knows how much she means to Ti-Ti, because she'll always be Ti-Ti's baby. Uncle Jerry? Well, he puts up a good front, but she knows. :) Aunt Jenny loves her enough for them both anyway. Uncle Tom has probably forgiven her for trying to kick him out of his own wedding....... ( Screams of MY TI-TI and MY WEDDING filling the church) I'm fairly certain she knows I love her, because I tell her all the time, as I do the others. What she doesn't know is this.

Ashlyn Arlene, you are the light of my life. I used to tell you that when you were a baby and a very young toddler all of the time. You know my story, well a good part anyway (you still have to be older for the rest), and times have not always been easy. It was then that I held you, then that I played with you, then that I dragged you kicking and screaming out of Target. :) No matter what hell I was living at the time you were the one bright spot I could hold onto.

It's hard to pick a favorite memory, there are just so many! It's possibly when we took you to the circus. Watching you skip down the sidewalk, holding Uncle Steve's hand, in your navy blue dress, long red ponytail boppin' along. You were so happy and excited, and I was just happy being a part of it! That or when you had the divorce talk with me in Grandma's car, assuring me that I'd be o.k. :) I think you were four. Oh lets not forget when you conned a trip to Santa and then refusing to go near him, and dissed the reindeer, which were in fact real.... Oh, or the time when you were slamming your bedroom door continually at Grandma's in a fit over something. I walked in and heard three or four slams, bellowed "Ashlyn Arlene slam it one more time and I'm coming in there!" and all we hear is the door open and then click shut softly. Surprised to find out I had arrived were you? lol See, just too many to pick from. Remember standing 45 minutes for the hayride? Good times. :) ♫ The man with the hairy scary chest. ♫

Ashlyn is still the light of my life. I love hearing about what she's doing, what she's learning, what she's reading, and what she's writing. Although our personalities are very different we tend to like the same things. We spent two hours just hanging out at Perkins last spring after her orchestra concert. It's wonderful being able to have some grown up talk time, although I've never been anything other than straight with her. Words can not describe the glee I felt watching a young gentleman desperately try to get her attention. You know you like him, you KNOW it. (just kidding)

It has been so exciting and fulfilling to watch her grow, this little red devil child, into a strong, (semi) confident young woman. I'm very blessed to have had a hand in her upbringing. She starts at the High School on Wednesday, and for her shier self I know it has to be tough. I have no worries though, I know she'll do fine. Plus, I am one minute away. ONE MINUTE! :) Two if I get lost in the circle. The point is, no matter what, no matter where, I'm there.

So Happy Birthday my boo-boo bunny, rojo diablo, baby pig nose! No matter what the nickname you are still, and always will be, the light of my life!

All my love, Auntie Pig Nose ♥

Goover Girls

If I can ever get the picture to LOAD on here, you will see the goover girls. :) It is not the most flattering pic to be sure, but there we are! Ashlyn is the teenager behind me, attempting to not be taller, Caitibug is the littlest on my left and Hannah is the goover with the missing teeth on my right. They belong to my youngest brother David, and his wife Elise.

The name goover comes from last Christmas time, when Caitlin was trying to upset her oldest sister by calling her a goober. It came out "Ashlyn is a goover, Ashlyn is a goover!" Hannah gleefully joined in, so I started calling both little girls "goovers", and it stuck. I have included myself and Ash in the title "Goover Girls", but WE know who the real goovers are!

Yesterday was my last half day Friday of the summer! This means, dear readers that the summer is almost over. I began them Memorial Day weekend and ran them through the end of August. It's nice to have enough vacation to do something like that, and it really doesn't take too much if you just use half days. Who would have thought at the beginning of June that this is probably my last summer working for the Y? After next May there very possibly wont even be a Y daycare in Superior anymore. Twenty five years down the drain, twenty two of them belonging to me. Alas, not the subject of THIS blog.

My half Fridays have been full of fun, family, and relaxing. Only one of them was a bad day, but I'm grateful I was home to handle things, instead of waiting to get out of work to deal with it. The best one was actually the whole Friday I took in June, where my entire family went to the zoo. That needs to be an annual outing! The most fun I think I had was yesterday, on my last day, with the goovers.

For Caitibugs birthday I gave her a picnic set. Real dishes, cups, silverware, and place mats in a pink tote. Perfect for playtime, but able to transition into the real thing if you want, and want she did. "Auntie, when can we go on a picnic?" So the girls packed a picnic and I stopped over at their house after my last half Friday at work. I had bubbles and a bug catcher in tow, and they had the usual picnic fare packed up in the tote. We didn't travel to a local park, they are so crowded at lunch time with the summer lunch program and the park and rec programs. We settled right down on the backyard picnic table. The little goovers helped me set the table and pass out lunch.

So my last half day Friday was spent having a goover picnic! Lots of talking about the new school year coming up, I can't believe they'll all be in school this year. Ashlyn at the high school no less. There was hornet killing, chocolate and pb bugles, soccer challenges, bike riding, bug catching that turned into slug catching, and bubble wars!

The best quote of the afternoon was Hannah's..... "The bubble army is going to ATTACK....your kitten." ♥ Thanks for a great time goover girls!!

Baby Steps

Toward the end of nap time at the daycare today I picked up my yellow writing pad and a pencil. Usually that means a blog is bursting to get out of my head. This time, to my surprise, it was a character in one of the stories forming in my brain trying for her chance in the limelight! Ok then, here we go!

I have known this gal for years, and somewhere in this house there is the start of her novel. It could be with some old writing I have in a box deep in the closet. I thought maybe it was on this computer, but that's a totally different story. Now I'm afraid it was on my old computer. Not really a big deal, I know how it's supposed to go. Actually I know how most of the story goes. Learning how to take the storytelling skills I have and putting them into an actual book is going to be the difficult part.

So I spent about ten minutes sketching out some of the other characters that I didn't really have a good handle on up until today, and the story took on a little more depth in my mind. I guess you could say I have taken the first baby step toward giving her story it's wings! It's very exciting, and at the same time absolutely terrifying. Ah who cares? I know I can do this if I put my mind to it and find a little discipline. If I'm the only one who likes the finished product, well.... so be it. At least I can say that I gave it a try, and it certainly wont be the first (or last) time I've fallen flat. :)